Weekend Update: Stefon on St. Patrick’s Day – SNL

>>>TODAY IS ST. PATRICK’S DAY,
THAT WAS A GREAT TRANSITION. WHICH MEANS MILLIONS OF TOURISTS
HAVE COME TO THE BIG APPLE FOR THE PARADE AND MAY NEED SOME
TIPS ON WHAT TO CHECK OUT. HERE WITH SOME IDEAS IS OUR
“WEEKEND UPDATE” CITY CORRESPONDENT STEFON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HI.
>>THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US, STEFON.
>>CONNER, PERCY. IT’S NICE TO BE HERE.
>>THANK YOU, STEFON. SO THE PARADE IS OVER, I BET A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR A HANGOUT.
ARE THERE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THEM?
>>YES. IF YOU’RE DRUNK IN MIDTOWN EAST
DOING CHEAP COKE OFF YOUR LAUNDRY CART, I HAVE JUST THE
PLACE FOR YOU. NEW YORK’S HOTTEST CLUB IS
GADDUSH. INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS.
THIS FORMER CVS WHICH BECAME A CHASE BANK AND THEN BECAME A CVS
AGAIN, FINALLY ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT THE TROUBLING
FEEL. LIKE WHEN LARRY KING WOULD PLAY
HIMSELF IN A MOVIE. THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING.
DEATH SETS, KEY FOBS, KALE CHIPS.
ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE. PLUS YOU CAN PLAY EVERYONE’S
FAVORITE PARTY GAME, THE STRANGER.
>>WHAT’S THE STRANGER?>>DO YOU KNOW THAT BILLY JOEL
SONG “THE STRANGER?”>>YEAH.
>>WELL, IT’S WHEN YOU SIT ON BILLY JOEL’S HAND UNTIL IT’S
NUMB AND THEN YOU RUB YOURSELF WITH IT.
>>WAIT. WAIT, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE
NUMB?>>SO YOU CAN PRETEND THAT IT’S
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S HAND.>>OKAY.
>>ALL RIGHT, STEFON, LET’S GET BACK ON TRACK.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE IN TOWN FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY MIGHT BE
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE DIFFERENT.
>>YEAH, SOMETHING MORE IRISH THEMED.
>>YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.>>MOONLIGHT, LA LA LAND.
[ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU’RE IRISH OR JUST WHITE
AND VIOLENT, I HAVE THE SAINT PATTY’S PLACE FOR YOU.
NEW YORK’S HOTTEST IRISH CLUB IS OFF TO CHURCH, MOTHER.
LOCATED IN THE CLOGGED HEART OF THE BRONX AT THE CORNER OF
3,000 STREET AND GARY MARSHALL MEMORIAL DRIVE.
THIS GANG RIDDEN SKATEBOARD PARK WAS THE CEREMONY SPOT FOR VERN
TROYER’S 2004 WEDDING. THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING.
PEEPS, TED TALKS, ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE.
AND BE SURE HIT TO FLOOR AND DANCE A JIG WITH IRELAND’S
HOTTEST FARRAKHANS.>>WAIT, LOUIS FARRAKHAN IS AT
THIS CLUB?>>NO, FARRAH KHANS.
HELP RAH KAHNS THAT LOOK LIKE FARAH FAWCETT.
BUT ALSO YES, LOUIS FARRAKHAN WILL BE THERE.
>>OKAY. STEFON, STEFON.
>>PLEASE, PLEASE, CALL ME BY YOUR NAME.
>>OKAY, COLIN. TELL US THAT ONE PLACE THAT
ORDINARY TOURISTS MIGHT ENJOY, PLEASE.
>>YES, YES, YES, YES, YES. IF YOU’RE ORDINARY, AND YOU LOVE
SEIZURE INDUCING MALAYSIAN MUSIC, I HAVE JUST THE PLACE FOR
YOU. NEW YORK’S HOTTEST CLUB IS STAND
CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE.
BUILT IN THE UPSIDE DOWN WORLD, THIS HAUNTED HOSPICE WAS CLOSED
WHEN INSPECTORS FOUND A SEXY FORM OF ASBESTOS THAT COULD
CAUSE DISEASE.>>NOW WHAT DISEASE DO YOU GET
FROM SEXY ASBESTOS.>>ME SO HORNYOMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING.
YOUNG POPES, OLD POPES, ROMAN J. ISRAEL ESQUIRE.
AVOID THE DANCE FLOOR ON WEDNESDAYS, WHEN A DOZEN HOT
DACHSHUNDS AND CORGI’S GET IN FREE.
THEY CALL IT LONG AND LOW NIGHT. I DON’T TRUST ANY DOG WHOSE
STOMACH TOUCHES THE GROUND. PLUS, YOU CAN PARTY IN THE VIP
ROOM, WITH A GROUP OF HUMAN SQUATTY POTTIES.
>>WHAT IS A HUMAN SQUATTY POTTY?
>>IT’S THAT THING THAT — YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S A NEW ERA, AND I
DON’T WANT TO SAY A WORD THAT MAY BE INSENSITIVE.
MAY I CONSULT MY LAWYER QUICKLY?>>SURE.
>>GREAT HE’S AN ATTORNEY AND A CONCEPT TULLE ARTIST NAMED SHY.
SHY? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HI. HI, SHY.
>>HELLO, GENTLEMAN, HOW ARE YOU?
>>SHY, FOR PEOPLE — DO PEOPLE STILL USE THIS WORD?
THANK YOU, SHY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HUMAN SQUATTY POTTIES, IT’S THAT THING OF WHEN YOU SIT ON
THE TOILET AND TO HAVE GOOD POSTURE, TWO LITTLE PEOPLE
CROUCH ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON THEIR
HEADS.>>OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>>I’M REALLY GLAD YOU MADE SURE TO MAKE THAT SOUND MORE
SENSITIVE.>>ON THAT NOTE, LET’S TAKE A
CLOSER LOOK AT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.
>>WAIT? ISN’T “A CLOSER LOOK” SETH’S
THING THAT HE DOES?>>OH, SETH AND I ARE VERSATILE.
SOME NIGHTS I DO IT AND HE’S UNDER THE DESK.
>>STEFON EVERYONE.>>JILL STEIN, 2020.
>>FOR “WEEKEND UPDATE,” I’M MICHAEL CHE.
>>I’M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGH