-This is how it works. In front of each of us
are two envelopes containing confessions. One is true,
and the other is a lie. Once you read the confession, the two other players
get to interrogate you. They have to come
to a unanimous decision — is it the truth,
or it the lie? Billie, you’ll go first. Colin, which envelope
should she open? -Mm.
Uh, 2. -Mm. Mm-hmm.
-This? -Numero dos. -Wait. -Can you open an envelope?
-Shut up. [ Laughter ] Oh, it’s open on the bottom.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Okay.
Are you ready for this? -Okay. All right. That is a strong…
-Strong fake cigarette. -Um…
So, I once farted in my friend’s mouth while she
was yawning, and she threw up. [ Laughter ] -Wait.
What year was this? ♪♪ -Um, it was, um… I was 12, so it was —
-Last year? [ Laughter ] So it was last year.
Okay, great. -It was 2014.
-Okay. -I was 12.
-And where were you? -I was in my yard.
-Out back, in your backyard? -Yeah, my backyard.
In my backyard. -Daytime?
-Yeah. -No, they were at nighttime
in the backyard. What are you —
[ Laughter ] Do you think it’s camping?
-Yeah. -What were you doing?
Like, wrestling or fooling around
or doing gymnastics? -Whoa.
-I was — So, I was — It was like, there was a table,
and she was sitting. -Oh, please.
-I was standing here. So, she was sitting, like,
facing this way. I was standing here,
facing that way. -Okay.
-She was eating. -And where’s the table? -The table’s here, so she was
facing the other way. -Okay.
-What was she eating? -Pizza.
-Pizza. -Daytime pizza.
[ Laughter ] -You want some nighttime pizza?
Like… -That’s kind of —
All right. Kind of running
out of time here. I don’t know.
We need to ask more questions. And are you friends
with her today? -Ye– Sort of.
[ Laughter ] -Was it weird after that? -It was so funny.
-[ Laughs ] -So funny.
-What do you think? I think…
-I think…true. -Yeah, I think true.
I think it sounds like something weirdly —
-It sucks. -Is it true?
-Yes. ♪♪ -Oh, my God. But why did you do that?
Did you do that — Why did you do that?
Was it on purpose? -It was silent.
Listen, it was silent. I did not think it would be bad,
but, you know, those are always the worst ones.
-Okay, here we go. -That’s the problem.
-Which envelope should I open? Truth or lie?
What do you think? Billie?
-Yeah. -Doesn’t matter
because I’m such a good actor. -Well…
Whoa. -Shut up.
-Ever see a movie called “Taxi”? [ Laughter ] -Okay, here we go. Oh, I got fired from my job
at the supermarket for pretending to be French. [ Laughter ] -When?
-This is — I was 15, so I’d probably say — -What was the name
of the supermarket? -Oddly, it was Great American
was the name of the supermarket. -Can you repeat?
What happened? -I got fired from my job
for pretending to be French. -Why were you
pretending to be French? -I was bored.
-You were bored. -I was bored.
I was putting stickers on canned — canned foods.
I was bored. And people
would ask me questions, and I’d be like, “Non.”
[ Laughter ] “Non.” And then, sometimes
people would ask for something, I’d go, “You want –” And I would point
to French dressing. [ Laughter ] Or if it was around mustard, I
would point to French’s mustard. And I think
someone ratted on me. Someone complained, and then
they said, “Who did it?” And then one of my friends
ratted on me. -The French guy, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah. “Who was pretending to be French
and not helping people?” -And then I was like,
“I don’t know who.” -Sound like a very pretentious
15-year-old, by the way. [ Laughter ] -So, you’re pretending
to not understand them. -“I don’t know.
I don’t know.” [ Laughter ] -You were 15.
-Yeah. ♪♪ All right.
What do you guys think? -Uh… -I don’t think so. -Mnh-mnh.
I want to say… It’s almost, like,
not funny enough to be true. [ Laughter ] -Now, you — Now I’m thinking —
-Like, you know what I’m saying? Like, we agree?
-Now I’m thinking it did happen. -You know what I’m saying?
[ Sad trombone ] -Now you’re thinking
it did happen because — -I’m just gonna say it happened. You can say it didn’t
so one of us can win. -Okay, good.
-Okay? -No, I think
you have to be unanimous. -No, no.
[ Laughter ] -I like how you’re just
playing this game, he goes, “No, I think you have to be –” You don’t even know the rules
of your game. [ Laughter ]
-You have to be unanimous. Ready?
1, 2, 3 — yea or nay? -Yea.
-Yea. -You think yea, it did happen.
-I think it did happen. -Yeah.
It did not happen. -Oh!
-You were right! You should’ve stuck
to your guess! That’s the lesson learned —
stick to your guess. No. I did get fired
but it was for doing whip-its. Colin, I think you should —
[ Laughter ] You should —
I think you should go. -Come on, baby.
-I think number one. ‘Cause you know why?
You’re number one to me, man. -Aw, thanks.
-Yeah. Here we go.
-Okay. Ready? -Yeah.
-My first stand-up set was in a police station
while I was under arrest. -That’s so cool.
-This is absolutely true. This is so true.
-I love — -He’s Colin Quinn.
He’s the most Irish guy I know. This is perfect for his
one-man show and first book. This is so him. He did stand-up
in a police station. Why were you arrested? -Possession of
a controlled substance. [ Laughter ] -So, you had weed on you,
or was it something else? -[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, you don’t want to say. [ Laughter ] -Wait.
But how old were you? -You get arrested for weed?
Come on. [ Laughter ] -How old were you?
-Uh, 22. -Oh, my gosh.
He totally did this. It was you-know-what and the
thing, and he got busted. Were you in a car
or something, driving? -No.
-That’s right, because you grew up in the streets
of Brooklyn, and that’s
how you have your accent. So you were walking around,
you started some trouble. -I just like picturing it. -You got in a fight
with somebody? -No.
-How did you get arrested? -What is that?
-How did you get arrested? You were buying?
-Possession — ‘Cause I was — -The whole way
on Fifth Avenue and 43rd Street. -How much cocaine did you have?
[ Laughter ] -It was fake.
-It was fake cocaine? -It was fake.
Don’t do fake cocaine. [ Laughter ]
I love it. -You’re not a role model
for children. “Don’t do fake cocaine.”
[ Laughter ] Don’t do cocaine at all!
Real or fake. -What’s fake cocaine?
-I know him pretty well. -Called procaine.
-Procaine. -That’s what they called it! -I think of course
this happened to him, ’cause he has this type of luck.
-I just love to picture it. So I’m gonna — I feel like
it’s true, you know? -Gosh, if he’s lying,
you’re a genius, ’cause he is a good actor, too.
I’m gonna say it’s true. -I think it’s true. -It’s true.
-Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] Come on.
I love you, buddy. Oh, there’s
the truth right there! Billie Eilish, Colin Quinn,