FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS
AN ACTOR, AUTHOR, AND ONE OF THE
MOST POPULAR STAND-UP COMEDIANS IN THE WORLD. PLEASE WELCOME JIM GAFFIGAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
PROFESSOR GAFFIGAN.>>I AM A VERY AUTISTIC PERSON.>>Stephen: VERY —
( SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ) ED.>>THANK YOU, BUT I DON’T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.>>Stephen: VERY
DISTINGUISHED.>>I HAD A REPORTER ASK ME ARE
ALL STANDUP COMEDIANS SLOBS? ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS, LIKE, I THINK THAT’S AN INSULT, BUT NOW I’M DRESSED UP
FOR YOUR SHOW. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.>>Stephen: WE’RE HAPPY TO GET
YOU. ALWAYS GLAD TO SNAG A FEW
MINUTES WITH MR. GAFFIGAN BECAUSE YOU’RE A BUSY MAN,
ALWAYS ON TOUR. ANY UNUSUAL VENUES?>>I PRETTY MUCH PERFORM
EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE. I’M GOING INTERNATIONAL. LAST YEAR I PERFORMED AT A
RODEO.>>Stephen: WOW! BECAUSE I HAVE A GOOD AGENT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTION —
>>IT WAS MY FIRST RODEO, IT WAS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT WAS. IT WAS. AND I LOVE THAT SAYING, YOU
KNOW, NOT MY FIRST RODEO, AS IF THE SECOND RODEO IS WHEN IT
MAKES SENSE. YOU KNOW, IT’S, LIKE, OH, NOW I
GET IT! PEOPLE ARE RIDING ANIMALS THAT
WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. ( LAUGHTER )
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN AGGRESSIVE PETTING ZOO, BUT IT
WAS FASCINATING.>>Stephen: MAY I ASK WHERE
THIS WAS?>>IT WAS AT THE SAN ANTONIO
RODEO.>>Stephen: THAT’S A GOOD ONE. A BIG TO-DO.>>Stephen: YEAH. AND IT WAS SO IMPRESSIVE, AND
THERE’S DIFFERENT EVENTS, SOME OF THEM MORE DANGEROUS THAN
OTHERS, SOME OF THEM DIFFERENT SKILLS, YOU KNOW, LIKE THERE’S
THE CA CALF ROPING WHERE A GUY CHASES DOWN A CALF. YOU KNOW, LIKE COWS ARE SUPER
FAST. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, IN THIS EVENT, A GUY CHASES DOWN A BABY COW, BUT HE’S
RIDING A HORSE, SO IT’S AN EVEN RACE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN HE LASSOS THE CALF AND TIES IT UP AND WHOEVER DOES IT
THE FASTEST IS MOST LIKELY TO BE A SERIAL KILLER. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT WAS AMAZING, AND IT’S JUST LIKE THESE PERFORMERS OR
THESE COWBOYS ARE SO INTENSE. AT ONE POINT, ONE OF THEM CAME
UP TO ME AND GOES, YOU DO STANDUP COMEDY? I COULD NEVER DO THAT. AND THEN HE PROCEEDED TO CLIMB
ON A BULL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE WORLD NEVER MADE SENSE AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE EVENT YOU LIKE TO
WATCH?>>I MEAN, THE BULL RIDING
WAS — IT’S INSANE.>>Stephen: IT’S TERRIFYING. IT’S 1500 POUNDS OF ANGRY POT
ROAST. ( LAUGHTER )
>>YEAH, WE LIVE IN SUCH A RISK-AVERSE SOCIETY, KIDS ARE
WEARING HELMETS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. AT THE RODEO, THERE’S NO SAFETY
MEETING. THERE’S NO ONE GOING, ALL RIGHT,
FELLOWS, I DON’T TO SEE YOU GET HURT — WELL, EXCEPT FOR
EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM. ( LAUGHTER )
THE BULL RIDING IS SO IMPRESSIVE. I WAS SURPRISED, THEY ONLY RIDE
THE BULL UP TO EIGHT SECONDS. THAT’S THE WHOLE TIME.>>Stephen: YOU HIT EIGHT
SECONDS, YOU JUST JUMP OFF?>>OR SOMEONE RESCUES YOU.>>Stephen: WHAT? OMEONE RIDES PAST IN A HORSE
AND GRABS THEM OFF. YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A RODEO AND
CALL YOURSELF AN AMERICAN?>>Stephen: I’VE NEVER SEEN
SOMEONE RIDING A HORSE UP NEXT TO YOU AND PULLS YOU OFF, UP
NEXT TO AN ANGRY BULL IS THIS.>>I THINK THE EIGHT SECONDS IS
THEIR WHOLE WORKDAY, THAT HAS TO CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE. RIDING AN ELEVATOR, OH, I COULD
HAVE RIDDEN THREE BULLS.>>Stephen: ARE THERE GUYS WHO
DO THE FULL EIGHT?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: ARE THEY GOOD GUYS
OR ARE THE BULLS WEAK?>>I DON’T KNOW. ING ASECONDS IS IMPRESSIVE BUT
NOT THAT LONG, WHEN YOU CONSIDER A DEAD BODY COULD RIDE A BULL
FOR TWO SECONDS. THERE’S ONE GUY WHO SAYS, YOU
DID GOOD, GOOD, NOT AS GOOD AS THE CORPSE BUT YOU DID ALL
RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A MECHANICAL BULL?>>I HAVE NOT.>>Stephen: I HAVE. IT’S VERY PAINFUL EVEN FOR SHORT
PERIODS OF TIME.>>THAT SEEMS UNNECESSARY.>>Stephen: THE CHAFING ON THE
THIGHS YOU DON’T EXPECT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>I WAS WATCHING THIS BULL RIDING AND JUST THE CORE
STRENGTH TO DO THAT, THAT’S UNNECESSARY. YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I BARELY HAVE THE CORE
STRENGTH TO RIDE A BIKE AT THIS POINT.>>Stephen: WERE THERE ARE
RODEO CLOWNS? BECAUSE THEY LOOK FANTASTIC,
GOOD JOB.>>THOSE ARE THE BEST. I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY CONVINCE
SOMEONE TO BE A RODEO CLOWN. LIKE, THE RIDER THROWN BY THE
FURIOUS BULL, WE NEED SOMEONE TO DISTRACT AND MAYBE ANTAGONIZE
THAT 400-POUND ANIMAL. AND ME AND THE FELLOWS, YOU
WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT. AND THE OTHER GUYS ARE, LIKE,
ME? DO I HAVE PROTECTION? YOU MEAN LIKE MAKEUP? NO, SOMETHING TO PROTECT ME FROM
THE BULL! YOU WOULDN’T BE OUT THERE NAKED,
YOU WOULD BE DRESSED LIKE A CLOWN! OPIATE WHEY THEY’RE DRESSED LIKE
CLOWNS.>>Stephen: IT’S WHEN THEY
DAY, IT’S HUMILIATING.>>DO THEY THINK, LIKE, A BULL’S
GOING TO THROW A RIDER AND BE LIKE —
( GASPS ) — WAS THAT A CLOWN? IS THAT MY BIRTHDAY? DID YOU GUYS GET ME A CLOWN FOR
MY BIRTHDAY? ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: NOW, RODEO IS — AND I THINK THIS MIGHT BE LATE
TO EVEN SAY THIS — THAT IS NOT WHERE I WOULD PICTURE YOUR ACT,
LIKE IN THE SAND PIT OUT THERE.>>LAST YEAR I PERFORMED AT A
ZOO. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AT A ZOO? I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON
WITH MY CAREER.>>Stephen: AT A ZOO? IT WAS THE TOLEDO ZOO. I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY PICKED ME. GAFFIGAN SHOW, DO IT AT THE
ANIMAL JAIL, YOU KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY, ZOOS ARE NOT ANIMAL JAILS. I MEAN, THE ANIMALS CAN’T LEAVE,
AND IF THEY TRIED TO LEAVE, THEY’D SHOOT THEM, BUT —
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT WAS OUTSIDE THE TOLEDO
ZOO, IT’S BEAUTIFUL. YOU COULD SEE SOME OF THE
ANIMALS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE
THINKING. THEY WERE PROBABLY, LIKE, WHO’S
THE NEW GUY? WELL, THAT POLAR BEAR REALLY LET
HIMSELF GO. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT SOME ANIMALS DO PERFORMT AT THE ZOO AND THEY’RE REWARDED
WITH FOOD. AND I WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A PRETTY SIMILAR
ARRANGEMENT, THAT’S WHAT I GET.>>Stephen: YOUR KIDS TRAVEL
WITH YOU SOMETIMES?>>UNFORTUNATELY, YEAH.>>Stephen: IS THAT A GOOD
ARRANGEMENT?>>I TOOK MY FAMILY TO EUROPE
LAST SUMMER, AND I BROUGHT MY KIDS, WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE
THEY’RE ALWAYS THERE TO POINT OUT EVERY INSECURITY YOU HAVE,
RIGHT? THEY’RE, LIKE, YOU KNOW YOU LOOK
FAT. I DO KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW YOU LOOK LIKE A
TOURIST. YES, I DO KNOW THAT. IT’S WEIRD BECAUSE WE NEVER WANT
TO LOOK LIKE TOURISTS.>>Stephen: YOU WANT TO LOOK
NATIVE.>>WE WANT TO MIX IN. IT’S, LIKE, WHAT ARE THE
LOCALS DOING? PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, THEY’RE AT
WORK. CAN I DO THAT? I WANT TO DO THAT. WE BEHAVE STRANGELY AS TOURISTS. WHEN WE’RE IN EUROPE, WE VISIT A
BUNCH OF CHURCHES. YOU NEVER DO THAT AT HOME. YOU NEVER WAKE UP ON SATURDAY,
HEY, YOU WANT TO LOOK AT CHURCHES? NO, NEVER. BUT IT WAS FUN.>>YOU’VE GOT THE NEW MOVIE AND
IT’S CALLED TROOP ZERO.>>YES. ON AMAZON PRIME. IT’S A MOVIE FOR KIDS. IT’S GOOD FOR KIDS. EVERYBODY WOULD LIKE IT.>>IT’S DEFINITELY A MOVIE ABOUT
MISFITS AND IT’S A GIRL’S ADVENTURE STORY. IT’S FOR EVERYONE, THOUGH.>>Stephen: BECAUSE THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE ON, YOU WERE PLAYING A MURDERER, RIGHT? THIS IS BETTER. HAVE YOUR KIDS SEEN THIS ONE?>>YOU KNOW, IT CAME OUT ON
FRIDAY. I WAS GONE, BUT, NO, THEY DIDN’T
SEE IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?>>Stephen: DO THEY EVER WATCH
YOUR STUFF?>>I MEAN, I DON’T REALLY — I
DON’T FORCE THEM. I’M NOT TRYING TO WATCH DADDY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND, SO, IT’S — BUT IT’S WEIRD. LIKE, THEY MIGHT STUMBLE UPON
SOMETHING, BUT THEY’RE NOT INTERESTED, YOU KNOW. THERE’S NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER.>>Stephen: ARE THEY ACTIVELY
DISINTERESTED?>>I WOULD SAY THEY’RE ACTIVELY
DISINTERESTED.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW IF I
WANT MY SON WATCHING JOHN OLIVER. LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU HURT MEG LIKE THIS? ( LAUGHTER )
>>THEY WATCH A LOT OF YOUTUBE SO THEY MIGHT STUMBLE UPON A
CLIP AND THEY’RE, LIKE, HEY, I SAW THAT THING YOU DID, IT’S ALL
RIGHT.>>Stephen: THAT’S NICE. LIKE I’M IN A TRIAL PERIOD,
YOU KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE YOU MIGHT STILL BE MY DAD.>>Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
FROM THE MOVIE. DUE TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPENING?>>THIS IS VIOLA DAVIS, THE MOST
AMAZING ACTRESS IN THE WORLD — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I PLAY A SINGLE FATHER, I’M A LAWYER AND MY ASSISTANT OR
PARTNER IN THIS BUSINESS IS VIOLA DAVIS, AND MY DAUGHTER
COMES IN, AND SHE’S KIND OF A VICTIM OF THE BULLYING. THIS IS SET IN THE ’70s. I GUESS THE REST KIND OF SAYS
WHAT IT IS.>>WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO
YOUR HAIR?>>FELL OFF, I GUESS. YOU LOOK FEROCIOUS, BOSS. NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN
THAT.>>SO WHO DID THIS? NO ONE! THE U.S. TELL HER SHE LOOKS
NICE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH Y’ALL?>>WHY IS SHE LETTING PEOPLE CUT
ON HER HAIR?>>SHE AIN’T LETTING NOBODY DO
NOTHING.>>CLARIFICATION, BOSS. OVERRULED. ( PHONE RINGING )
>>THAT WILL BE THE JUDGE. YOU TELL HIM I’M ON MY WAY, ALL
RIGHT? CAN YOU MAKE SURE SHE GETS
SOMETHING TO EAT?>>Stephen: GOOD FATHER. THANK YOU.>>Stephen: BLESSINGS TO
EVERYBODY.>>THERE’S THE DOG.>>Stephen: JIM, GOOD TO SEE
YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING
BY.>>THANK YOU.>>STEPHEN: “TROOP ZERO” IS ON
AMAZON PRIME NOW. JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
BILLIONAIRE AND PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE TOM STEYER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
Performing her new single,
“Long Time Coming,” from her upcoming album,
“Supernova,” out March 13th, please welcome back to the show
Caitlyn Smith. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -♪ Sometimes
it feels like I am dying ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like it’s gone black-and-white
and I’m caught in a dream ♪ ♪♪ ♪ But I see the birds in the
sky, they’re high-flying ♪ ♪♪ ♪ But I’m stuck in this room
with just you and me ♪ ♪♪ ♪ But the weather’s changing ♪ ♪ Right before my eyes ♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Through the dark, dark night ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be ♪ ♪ All right ♪ ♪♪ ♪ We’ve danced with the devil
under the streetlight ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Been to hell and back
in a black room ♪ ♪♪ ♪ And now I want to change but
don’t know what it feels like ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Keep having these visions
of me without you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Through the dark, dark night ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be ♪ ♪ All right ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Have mercy please ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I’m begging, I’m pleading,
I’m broken down on my knees ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Have mercy please ♪ ♪ Keep praying out loud ♪ ♪ God, help me find my way out ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Through the dark, dark night ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It’s been a long time coming ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be ♪ ♪ All right ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Caitlyn Smith, everybody! Go to CaitlynSmith.com
to pre-order “Supernova.”
>>Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING
“RIVER DEEP/MOUNTAIN HIGH” FROM THE BROADWAY PRODUCTION “TINA:
THE TINA TURNER MUSICAL,” PLEASE WELCOME ADRIENNE WARREN AND THE
CAST OF THE SHOW. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
I HAD A RAG DOLL ♪ ONLY DOLL I’VE EVER OWNED
NOW I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY ♪ I LOVED THAT RAG DOLL
BUT ONLY NOW MY LOVE HAS GROWN ♪ AND IT GETS STRONGER
IN EVERY WAY ♪ AND IT GETS DEEPER
LET ME SAY ♪ AND IT GETS HIGHER
DAY BY DAY ♪ AND DO I LOVE YOU
MY OH MY ♪ YEAH RIVER DEEP
MOUNTAIN HIGH ♪ IF I LOST YOU WOULD I CRY
OH HOW I LOVE YOU ♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY
♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU WERE A YOUNG BOY
♪ DID YOU HAVE A PUPPY THAT ALWAYS FOLLOWED YOU AROUND
♪ WELL I’M GONNA BE AS FAITHFUL AS THAT PUPPY
♪ NO I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN CAUSE IT GROWS STRONGER
♪ LIKE A RIVER FLOWS AND IT GETS BIGGER, BABY
♪ AND HEAVEN KNOWS AND IT GETS SWEETER, BABY
♪ AS IT GROWS AND DO I LOVE YOU
♪ MY OH MY YEAH RIVER DEEP
♪ MOUNTAIN HIGH IF I LOST YOU WOULD I CRY
♪ OH HOW I LOVE YOU BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU BABY LIKE
A FLOWER LOVES THE SPRING ♪ AND I LOVE YOU BABY
JUST LIKE ROBIN LOVES TO SING ♪ AND I LOVE YOU BABY
LIKE A SCHOOL BOY LOVES HIS PET ♪ AND I LOVE YOU BABY
RIVER DEEP ♪ MOUNTAIN HIGH
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BABY
OH, BABY ♪ BABY
♪ ♪ ♪ DO I LOVE YOU
♪ MY OH MY, OH BABY RIVER DEEP
♪ MOUNTAIN HIGH IF I LOST YOU WOULD I CRY
♪ OH HOW I LOVE YOU BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. YOU CAN SEE “TINA: THE TINA
TURNER MUSICAL” AT THE LUNT- FONTANNE THEATRE! ADRIENNE WARREN, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
-Alright, here’s the deal.
On your turn, you pick a card from the board which will give
you a name of a random song, then you pick from this box
right here, and this will give you
a random instrument. Then you’ll have to play
that song with that instrument. And if the Roots can guess what
song you’re playing, you get a point.
Is that cool? Alright, since I’m the host —
[ Laughter ] Since I’m the host,
I’ll go first, okay? -Okay.
-Here we go. Which number? -Six!
-There we go. Six is it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Okay, and I’m going to play… Oh, gosh. The s– steel drum. Alright, here we go. Come on, Roots, really listen,
alright? You got to really
pay attention to this ’cause I don’t know
if this is gonna be — ♪♪ Oh, 30 seconds on the clock.
Here we go. Alright, go. ♪♪
Wait, what? ♪♪
Oh. ♪♪ -Huh?
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Wait. ♪♪ -Play the rhythm. -Wait, sorry, rhythm.
Here we go. Ready? -I got it. ♪♪ I got it. -“This Is How We Do It”?
-Yes! [ Cheers and applause ] -Hell no. Hell no. ♪ -This is how we do it ♪ -What number? What number? [ Audience screams ] Four? Got it. -Dude, look at how big you are,
dude. It feels like —
looks like Russian dolls. I feel like I could fit
inside of you. [ Laughter ] And wear you almost, like — -Excuse me, Roots,
what’s an oboe? [ Laughter ] -No. Oh, that’s this thing? -No.
-That thing? -In front of the violin.
-In front of the violin. -What’s a violin?
[ Laughter ] -Stop it.
-Oh, this? -Yes.
-That’s the oboe? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Shaq, do it into the microphone. -What? I blow in it? [ Laughter ] [ Note plays ]
Okay. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -“Nae Nae”! [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah! Yeah!
-“Whip/Nae Nae”? -Yeah! ♪ -Now watch me ♪ Nine? Alright.
-Yeah, I’m ready now. -Oh! -A — A double contra
bass flute? Bass flute? Contra base? What the heck is that thing? What song am I — [ Laughter ] I don’t even how — I don’t even know how the heck
you hold it. -Yeah. -Do I lift it off on this? I leave it where it is? I have no clue at even — [ Note plays off-key ] [ Laughter ] [ Note plays off-key ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Wait. One, two, three and — ♪♪ -Hall and Oats, “Maneater.” -No, it’s not “Maneater.” You can’t guess. [ Buzzer ] “Call Me Maybe”
by Carly Rae Jepsen, obviously. -Who?
[ Laughter ] -Obviously.
-What? [ Audience screaming ] -Oh, you’re going down.
[ Laughter ] You’re going down
on this one, buddy. [ Laughter ] Electric violin. The red thing? -Yeah.
-Yep. -Alright, cool. This is easy. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ ♪ -Mary had a little lamb ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -[ Speaks indistinctly ]
-Oh, my God! [ Ding! ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -That’s cheating. -I did not mouth the words.
-Yeah. I wasn’t watching. Alright, this last round,
let’s join forces and do a song. We’re gonna do a song together. Alright, here we go. Okay, that’s good.
We’ll see the instruments. Here we go.
You play. Pick which one. Alright, I got — [ Laughter ] Alright, I guess I got the harp.
Okay. -You can pass. You want to pass?
-No, I can do it. -You do tuba, I’ll do harp. -Tuba is this big thing?
-Tuba’s this thing. -What’s that thing? -Tuba, that’s a different tuba.
[ Laughter ] -Alright.
-Alright. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -Alright. -[ Blowing air ]
[ Laughter ] -No, you got to — Shaq! You got to go like, pbht! [ Note plays ]
There you go! [ Cheers and applause ] Alright, ready? [ Notes play off-key ]
[ Laughter ] No, you can’t pick
a different thing. -Vuvuzela.
-Oh, yeah. That’s this. -Oh, yeah, I got that one. That’s easy.
[ Cheers and applause ] -We got this one.
We got this one. We got this one. Ready?
-Oh, yeah. -Ready, Roots? ♪♪ -“Old Town Road,”
“Old Town Road.” [ Ding! ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -Shaquille O’Neal, everybody! “Old Town Road.” We’re going to talk to him about being Krispy Kreme’s resolution
coach after the break. Stick around, everybody.
All right, let’s get into it. Look, tonight,
I want to talk about the 2020 election. Now, I know it’s a year away, but candidates are starting to reach out
to key minority groups because they know we matter. It’s pander season, baby. You’ve seen it. Hillary dabbing, Trump with the taco salad, Ted Cruz making matzah. Like, come on, what’s next?
Pete Buttigieg drinking from a paper bag with Desus and Mero? Oh, wait, that actually happened. And, Asians, guess what? Our pander time
is coming sooner than you think. Asian Americans have historically been
very minor players in the political process,
but that’s changing. Asian Americans are the
fastest-growing population group in the country, with the number
of eligible voters increasing by about 150,000 each year. Voters of color and particularly
the new Asian American voters, flip those legislatures,
so we know that it’s possible. We’ve seen it happen in other states,
but we most recently saw it in Virginia. She’s actually underselling
what happened in Virginia. In 2000, the state voted Republican
for almost every major public office, but over two decades,
Virginia’s Asian population exploded by 125%, and now… it’s entirely blue. Think about that. The capital of the Confederacy is now the capital of hot pot and bánh mì. Asians also helped flip
congressional seats in the House takeover last year. In Orange County,
home to these three districts, the Asian and Pacific Islander population grew 27% in the last decade. In 2018,
all of these districts flipped. This population growth
is a huge opportunity for Democrats, especially in 2020 battleground states
like Nevada and Arizona. There’s just one problem, though. Did you know that only 49% of Asian Americans who were eligible to vote, voted in the last election? That’s really disappointing. That’s insane. Asian American millennials are the poorest performers of all. This is the only area
where we’re under achieving. All right, I get it. We suck at voting. You could’ve just hired George Takei
to flip us off for 30 seconds. It’s the same commercial. Asians almost always have
the lowest voter turnout of any racial group, and I get why. My uncle always says, “Hasan, look, you can either make money
or make a difference. You can’t do both.” You know how it is for us, right?
But there’s another reason why we don’t seem to care about politics. Many of our voters
that when we call them, they’re like, “You’re the first person who’s ever
called in language, in my native language.
No one else is outreaching to us.” They say, “Nobody’s ever called me before. Nobody’s ever talked to me
about voting before.” -You don’t get phone calls?
-No. -You don’t get mailings?
-No. -Nobody comes knocking on your door?
-No. We gotta keep this going. Is anyone texting you? No. Did you finish Game of Thrones? No. And your favorite type
of Japanese theater? No. Now, I’m assuming your favorite
James Bond film is Dr… -No.
-Okay. Is this bit getting old yet? No. I gotta disagree. Now, look,
a lot of us don’t feel spoken to, but we can’t be ignored
as a political force. That’s why tonight,
I want to focus on Asian American voters because despite our growing numbers, politicians in the media ignore us,
even when we’re running for president. Andrew Yang
has a tremendous center of gravity. He’s getting ignored
for some weird reason. Andrew Yang, I don’t know much about his platform. Andrew Yang, who, you know, suffered underneath a
media blackout for months. In the last debates,
he ultimately received less than seven minutes of airtime. I didn’t even know he was running. I saw him next to Joe Biden on TV,
and I thought it was Gran Torino. For real, Andrew Yang
is one of the first Asian Americans to make a real run for president. But even though he’s polling higher
than other candidates, Yang gets the least amount
of speaking time at the debates, and he is constantly left off of graphics
that he should be on. I mean, something here is clearly off. MSNBC has left Yang off graphics
at least a dozen times. How has NBC allowed him to go
this under-reported? He’s a presidential candidate,
not internal sexual misconduct. So, if you don’t know a ton
about Yang’s platform, here’s a quick taste. The 44-year-old entrepreneur who made millions
running a test prep company had zero political experience,
but his campaign took off with his proposal to give
every American adult $12,000 a year. His supporters are known as
the “Yang Gang.” ♪ Yang Gang, yeah ♪ I love the idea of a rapper bragging
about making $1,000 a month. He’s like, “Who needs a Maybach?
I’m making $33 a day.” I’ll be real. I’m conflicted about Yang. On one hand, he’s the Asian guy running
for president. Amazing. But on the other hand,
sometimes he goes a little too Asian. Now, I am Asian,
so I know a lot of doctors. The opposite of Donald Trump
is an Asian man who likes math. I’m gonna be the first president
to use PowerPoint at the State of the Union. Fuck that! I’m the PowerPoint guy. Dude, look, I don’t get why
he doubles down. He has a hat that says “MATH” on it. And then, he has a pin
that also says “MATH” on it. And I know that because he wore it
when I interviewed him for this episode. I remember growing up as a kid calling out to my brother and my mom
anytime I saw an Asian of any kind on TV. I used to watch those kung fu movies
on Saturday afternoons avidly. I still freaking love those things. Growing up as an Asian American, how did politicians and presidential
candidates speak to Asian Americans? I have to be honest. I don’t recall them ever
actually saying anything specifically. Like, did you ever have a moment
where you felt spoken to as a member
of the Asian American community? Where you’re like, “Wow, that’s my guy.” I think I grew up
like a lot of other Asian American kids of our generation, where my parents certainly didn’t
emphasize American politics that much, and they didn’t present it as something that my brother and I should necessarily
be trying to get into ourselves. Why do you think many Asian Americans
have found politics to not be relevant to their lives? I think for most children of immigrants, our mission is to do well in school
and get good grades and then get a good job
and make some money. And politics doesn’t necessarily fit
into that vision. What’s the biggest issue
for Asian American voters -in this upcoming election?
-I’m a college student. So, I’m just thinking about
paying off my student loans. -Kind of worry about the economy.
-Immigration. To help us for the small business. What’s most important to you
as an Asian American voter in 2020? Representation, really. We see Crazy Rich Asians last year. It’s gonna be great.
I think representation’s great. -So more props to you, man.
-Are you going to be voting for him? Well, we’ll see where we’re going, yeah. I want to know
all the candidates first, all right? Do you think a $1,000 a month
in every American’s hands would grow the economy? I’m actually very iffy on that one. I’m not sure about universal income
at the moment. -I appreciate this level of honesty.
-Me too, man. -I’ma put it out there. I’ma put it out there.
-Yeah! He’s keeping it real. I feel like you have had
that uphill battle. Your mic getting cut off,
them getting your name wrong -a lot of times.
-What’s up with that? John Yang living his best life, crowd surfing– Andrew Yang, excuse me. Crowd surfing on the campaign trail. Can you imagine if they just screwed up
another candidate’s name? Like, would they ever say “Frank Biden”
or “Sandra Warren?” And I was like, “You know,
that never would happen.” -Do you know who he is?
-No. That’s fine. But you know who this is? -Yeah, I know who that is.
-Would you be interested in the nation’s first
Asian American president? Shit. Hell yeah. I’m Asian, right? So, you would vote for that person
for sure, like, no doubt? Yes. Well, you’re looking at him.
It’s this guy! -Yeah.
-You’re kidding. He’s been doing literally every interview
and press outlet he possibly could. -Yang Gang. He’s in the Yang Gang!
-How are you? Not a plant! Not a plant! -Yang Gang 2020.
-Yang Gang. -Look at that.
-Yang Gang, right? Yang Gang! As an Asian American voter,
have you felt spoken to? Not particularly, I guess. Mainly because I have certain concerns
about certain policies that he has. -That Andrew Yang has?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had an issue when you were like,
“Oh, I’m Asian. I know a lot of doctors.” I feel like you’re perpetuating
a lot of stereotypes that I just don’t feel comfortable
you saying that. What’s happening is pretty Asian. You’re saying you’re disappointed in him. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you what, if Yang wins, those two are definitely
not getting their thousand bucks. But I understand their frustration with the model minority stereotype. It’s the idea that all Asians are
hardworking, successful, shy, straight-A students and the problem is… we’re not all shy and smart. Some of us are dumb. There are dumb Asians. Let’s be real.
We all have a cousin or an uncle or Dinesh D’Souza. We all have that. Now, the real problem
with model minority status is that it pits us against
other minority groups. And it erases our diversity. First off, when people think
of Asian Americans, they tend to think of people from India, China, Japan, Korea, or the Philippines, you know, the ones with the section
at the grocery store. But that’s just a fraction. We actually polled our audience
before the show to see how many ethnic groups
you guys can name. Okay, and you guys did… pretty good. On average, you got nine, which isn’t bad if the real answer wasn’t
over 19 different Asian ethnicities. Three of you just wrote in “Mandalorian.” He wears a helmet the whole time. There are other huge disparities
between groups. Whether it’s income or education,
Asian Americans aren’t a monolith. Now one politician who’s been good
about recognizing this is Cory Booker. He’s a case study on how to reach out
to the community. In his home state of New Jersey,
10% of the population is Asian American. So, to talk strategy,
I met up with him in Edison, New Jersey – a town that is now 49% Asian American. Here, you have this
incredible community in New Jersey that is touching every aspect
of our culture, except for often politics. I think if you want to represent
a state like this or any state frankly, you should have a very proactive outreach
to that community. Yeah, man. I’m happy to be here
in New Jersey, your state. I’m proud you crossed
the Hudson River. Oh, of course. So, in New Jersey, 75% of eligible white voters
are registered to vote. Whereas only 55% of eligible
Asian American voters are registered to vote. It kind of feels like a chicken
and the egg situation where politicians don’t want to reach out
to the community ’cause there’s low turnout. -Right.
-And… the community doesn’t want to turn out because politicians won’t reach out to them. -You’re right.
-So, what comes first here? I think it’s got to be both,
and I’ve seen this in black communities. If you’re not reaching out to go out there
and register people to vote, you’re not gonna get a big turnout.
You know, in Jersey, we’re trying to make it,
we have Punjabi ballots. We have Korean ballots. We have Gujarati ballots. I mean,
anything that we can do to create a system where we’re going to see more engagement
because the best thing for democracy is more democracy. Actually, the best thing for democracy
would be killing the electoral college, but fine, Gujarati ballots. Baby steps, right? I think he was just want to flex
that he knows Punjabi, all right? Now,
getting Asians to vote is hard enough, but Booker has actually gotten Asians
to support him in a way I never thought was possible. You have received
campaign contributions, significant ones, from the Indian American community,
which is wild. Yes. I’m part of the Indian American community.
It’s very hard to get money out of them. -How do I do it?
-Well, number one, first of all, you run for office, and I’m confident if you ran for office,
you would get tremendous support. No, dude. The last time I was able
to get money from the community, I had to get married. -And you’re very not married, Cory.
-I am very not married. Then, when I found out Indian Americans
just happily have given you money, I’m like, you’re straight-up doing PDA
with Rosario. I’m like, “Dude… You can’t been doing that.” -I– yes.
-With my wife, Cory, we’ll be holding hands
and if I see anyone from the community. I will immediately drop,
James Harden Euro step around the Auntie and keep it moving
as if I don’t know Beena. -Is PDA bad? This is good counseling.
-Yeah, man. -Really?
-Yeah. You’ve never kissed your wife in public? I mean, when I do,
I definitely feel like it’s dangerous. -Really?
-Yes. Okay. I want to counsel you on that. I mean, that’s just another episode. Yes, and that episode would be called
“PDA: Tempting the Gods.” Dude, we don’t do PDA, you know this. Have you ever seen your parents hug? -Have you ever seen your parents kiss?
-No. Dude, if my dad was on his deathbed, my mom would walk over
and just give him a fist bump, like “Hey. It’s been real, bro.
I’ll see you on the other side.” That’s what it’s like. Now, of course, some of the reason
our community likes Cory is because
of what his party actually stands for. The Indian American community is one
of the wealthiest minority groups in this country and generally, people say, you vote with your pocketbook and yet, more Indian Americans are Democrat
than Republican, why is that happening? So, look, the issues that are concerns of the Indian American community
is starting with immigration laws. These are issues that the Democratic Party
is so much better on. We have a guy in the White House right now
that is, in a hostile way, talking down to minorities
and to immigrants. I think honestly, the racism
just outweighed the tax benefit. Yes. The Asian community
could shift elections in Nevada, Wisconsin, -Atlanta.
-Yeah. We already saw it a bit in 2018, finally we got in New Jersey, our first
Asian American congressperson. -Right.
-In Oklahoma, the Asian American turnout rose and that alone made the difference
in flipping a seat. It’s kind of exciting. This sleeping giant
in American politics about to wake up -and to really flex.
-Can I just pitch you a way to definitely get
the entire Asian American vote? The entire diverse span
of Asian Americans, yes. Immigration is the one thing
that connects all of us. -Yes.
-Just go, “Cory Booker, 2020…” -Yes.
-“I’ll let your cousin in.” I actually think that would be
a very good law to have. -“Cory Booker, 2020…”
-Right. “I’ll give you one cousin.” I’m down with that. You’re telling me
you wouldn’t put that on a Camry? I would for sure. My cousin Sahil is dying
to come to America. Now the fact that we’re becoming this
critical of a voting block is incredible. Especially when you consider
how far we’ve come. For decades, Asians weren’t just excluded
from American politics, we were excluded from America. “On the eve of the greatest wave
of immigration in American history, President Chester A. Arthur
signed into law an extraordinary piece
of federal legislation. It was called the Chinese Exclusion Act, singling out as never before
a specific race and nationality for exclusion. It made it illegal for Chinese workers
to come to America and for Chinese nationals already here
ever to become citizens of the United States.” Yeah, in 1882, President Face Pubes signed
the Chinese Exclusion Act barring all Chinese workers
from the country. So large numbers of Japanese,
Korean, and Indian immigrants came to fill the need for cheap labor. But it confused Americans. They’re like, “Hey, I thought
we banned Chinese people. Where did all these Chinese people
come from?” So, just to be safe, Congress passed
the Immigration Act of 1924, which barred nearly all immigrants
from Asia. And just when things
couldn’t get any worse, this happened… “The American Naval Base
at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, bombed just after dawn.” When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, our West Coast became
a potential combat zone. Living in that zone were more than
100,000 persons of Japanese ancestry, two-thirds of them American citizens. “Notices were posted. All persons of Japanese descent
were required to register. The Japanese themselves
cheerfully handled the enormous paperwork involved in the migration.” “Cheerfully?” How was Japanese internment cheerful? They’re like… “The Trail of Tears. The Cherokee Nation
was getting their 10,000 steps in. It was great cardio.” Now, for the better part of a century, America passed laws to dehumanize
and exclude Asians from American life. But that changed in the 1960s. Black America ushered in
an era of progress with the Civil Rights
and the Voting Rights Act. And during that time, another law
rode that wave through Congress. The 1965 Immigration and Nationality Act
signed by President Johnson. “For over four decades, the immigration policy
of the United States has been twisted and distorted by the harsh injustice of the national origins quota system. Today, this system is abolished.” This ended the racist quota system and let in a lot
of highly educated immigrants. Immigrants like my parents and the parents of a lot of people
who work on this show. Like, right here.
This is Jeejung’s family. She’s one of our animators.
Right over here, yeah. This dude right here,
this is Apollo’s dad, Filipino Shaft. Yes. Apollo works in animation. This is Prashanth’s family, okay?
Back in the ’80s. Look how crazy this photo is. White House, brown family, no fence. It’s a different America. Okay? We went from 900,000 Asian Americans
before this law to over 19 million today. Yeah, we are all children
of this one piece of legislation. If it weren’t for the 1965 act, this studio would be a laser tag arena. And there are also a lot of people
who probably wish that was the case. The immigration system
must put the needs of American workers
and families first. If Democrats were ever to seize power, they would open the floodgates to unvetted, uncontrolled migration at levels you have never seen before. You think you have it bad now? You would never have seen anything
like what they want to do. Okay, I can’t tell if he’s being racist
or introducing Cirque du Soleil. He’s like, “They want to do something… you’ve never seen before.” Right, okay. I wanna see that. Now, this kind of all-caps racism is driving more Asian Americans away
from the Republican party, but that hasn’t stopped them
from trying to win us back. Do you guys remember
that bizarre campaign ad that DJT made to try to get
the Indian vote? Yeah, it was about 35 years ago in 2016. I look forward to working
with Prime Minister Modi. We love the Hindus. We love India. “I’m Donald Trump,
and I approve this message.” We love the Hindus. That sounds like something
your white grandfather says when he meets someone from Thailand. He’s like, “Oh, you’re from Bangkok?
We love the Hindus!” You’re like, “Grandpa, don’t do that.” Now, I know I’ve played
that cough syrup nightmare before, but I had to because it marked the start
of a long love fest between Narendra Modi and Donald Trump, and that love fest climaxed
this past September in Houston, Texas. Tens of thousands of Indian Americans
packed into a Houston stadium Sunday for an event called, get this,
“Howdy Modi!” -“Howdy Modi!”
-“Howdy Modi! In Houston with
President Trump. Both of them patting each
other on the back saying what
great leaders they are, what great friends they are.” A very Texas welcome to
the Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Yeah, a Trump rally, in Texas, full of Indians. Such a weird combination. Like, think about it. You have gun nuts and vegetarians. Like, one side of the stadium is like,
“We shouldn’t put animals in cages.” And the other side of the stadium
is like, “You’re right. We should only put kids in cages.” Look, when I heard about this,
I knew I had to be there. It’s fucking nuts,
but they wouldn’t let me in because they didn’t like some of the jokes
I’ve made about Modi on this show, so I got kicked out. And you know what’s fucked up? While they kept me outside, they played this clip inside
on the jumbotron. “This is home. This is us. We’re entrepreneurs and comedians.” They’re like, “We’re entrepreneurs.
We’re comedians. We’re traitors to the motherland.” Now, since I was stuck outside,
I figured, why not talk to the community, see what’s going on. I wanted to know if supporting Modi translates
to supporting his orange brother. -Did you guys vote for Trump in 2016?
-Yes, I was very active, -Okay.
-and I’ll be active in 2020 as well. If you’re a supporter of India,
Prime Minister Modi, the BJP, you can only be with President Trump. Are you a big supporter of Donald Trump? No. I’m a sometimes Trump guy. I’m looking for a Democrat. -You didn’t know that he was opening?
-No. Oh dude, it’s the Jay-Z
and Beyoncé of ethno-nationalism. That’s okay. Who’s Beyoncé in this situation? The hot bod? -Who? Modi?
-Yes. -No he doesn’t have a– He doesn’t have a 56-inch chest.
He would be a linebacker in the NFL, man. Dude, he wouldn’t stop talking
about Modi’s chest. It goes on for three more minutes. If he ever meets Narendra Modi,
Modi’s gonna be like, “Hey, eyes up here. I have a brain, you know.” Being at the Howdy Modi rally
was such a trip. But while I was there, it really hit me. Asian Americans are becoming
a powerful political force. And it’s a force that will not hesitate
to get up in your face. -Do you feel like we’ve arrived now?
-We have. I think we have. I see the change coming– Oh, come on. Okay. I am. Come on, we’re brothers. Okay. “One, two…” Yeah. Look, honestly, I wanted that picture as much as he did,
because look, this is a true story. My family knows him! That guy is friends with my parents. I didn’t know he was gonna be at
Howdy Modi, but I saw him again last week. He came over to our house
for Thanksgiving dinner in Sacramento. That’s how tight-knit our community is. It made me realize two things. Our community is big enough
to fill up a football stadium, but we also all know each other. There are 19 million Asians
in this country, but only nine WhatsApp threads. Dude, we are one group chat away
from changing history. That’s why we can’t keep waiting
for politicians to speak to us. If we do, we’ll never be listened to. We’ll only be pandered to and personally, I don’t want to see Pete Buttigieg
eating a samosa in Jackson Heights on an elephant.
You don’t gotta do all that, man. Just focus on the issues we care about. And maybe… just let in one of our cousins.
Hello, how are ya? What have you done? Welcome to Talk Show Host. Todays guests: The Unfortunates! Ladies and Gentlemen! Lets start the show! I head out I feel the road I’ve become this Talk Show Host. I head out I hear your voice The TV plays our background noise. Well hello! how are you? What have you done? The Talk Show Host I’ve become. Goodbye, I love you forget me when I’m gone. The Talk Show Host I’ve become. I head out I dreamt the end Tune in and let the talk show begin. I head out I have a choice The TV plays our background noise. Hello! How are you? What have you done? The Talk Show Host I’ve become. Goodbye I love you forget me when I’m gone. The Talk Show Host I’ve become. Hello! How are you? What have you done? The Talk Show Host, I’ve become. Goodbye, I love you. Forget me when I’m gone. The Talk Show Host, I’ve become. The Talk Show Host, I’ve become. That’s our show Ladies and Gentlemen Goodbye, I love you. Forget me when I’m gone.
-♪ “Musical Genre Challenge “♪ -Now, how it works
is we’re gonna take turns hitting this button here, which activates
the random genre generator. It will land on
one random song title and one random musical genre. So, whoever’s turn it is has to
sing that song in that style. We got you a keyboard,
so you’ll be playing. -Yeah.
-You’ll be playing with your — Yeah. Okay.
-Thank you for doing that. -You’ll be playing
with yourself. You’ll be playing — You’ll be accompanying —
No, no. You’ll — Yeah. You’ll be accompanying yourself. -I’m accompanying myself. -There you go.
Here you go. All right, I’ll start us off.
Here we go. Let’s just see how it works. [ Beeping ] Okay. -[ Laughs ] -“Cha Cha Slide”
as a ’90s R&B song. Roots, can we do, like, a… [ Slow R&B music plays ] -Cha cha slide, baby. ♪♪ -♪ Everybody, clap your hands ♪ ♪ Clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap your hands ♪ ♪ Clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap your hands ♪ ♪ All right, we’re gonna
do the basic steps, girl ♪ ♪ To the left ♪ ♪ Take it back, now, y’all,
one hop this time ♪ ♪ Right foot, left stomp ♪ ♪ Left foot, left stomp ♪ ♪ Cha-cha real smooth ♪ ♪ Real smooth ♪ ♪ Clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap your hands, girl ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Out of the two of us,
one of us is a real singer. All right.
Charlie, it is your turn. Go ahead, push the button,
and we’ll see what you got. -Yeah.
[ Beeping ] -“Truth Hurts,” Lizzo.
-Oh, wow. -Broadway.
-Oh, my God. -Broadway, Lizzo. -Okay. Go with it. [ Piano plays ] ♪ I just took a DNA test ♪ ♪ Turns out
I’m 100% that bitch ♪ ♪ Even when I’m crying crazy,
yeah ♪ ♪ Boy problems,
that’s the human in me ♪ ♪ Bling, bling, then I solve
them, that’s the goddess in me ♪ ♪ Why are men great
till they gotta be great? ♪ ♪ Don’t text me,
tell it straight to my face ♪ ♪ Best friend sat me down
in the salon chair ♪ ♪ Shampoo press,
get you out of my hair ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -I want to see that. I want to go to that play. I want to see that play.
Lizzo, are you watching? That was fantastic.
-Wow. -Oh, my gosh. All right.
I’ll go again. I don’t know why, though, ’cause
everyone wants to see you. [ Beeping ]
That was great. Okay. [ Laughter ] All right, “I’m Gonna Be.”
All right, so — ♪ I would ♪ ♪ I would wa– ♪
That one? -Yeah. -Techno.
Can you give me a techno beat? I’ll try to do this. [ Techno music plays ] ♪♪ ♪ When I wake up ♪ ♪ Well, I know I’m gonna be ♪ ♪ I’m gonna be the man
who wakes up next to you ♪ ♪ You, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you, ♪ ♪ You, you, you, you, you ♪ ♪ You, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you ♪ ♪ You, you, you, you, you, you ♪ ♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪ ♪ And I would walk 500 more ♪ ♪ Just to be the man
who walks 1,000 miles ♪ ♪ To fall down at your door ♪ ♪ Da da da da ♪
-♪ Da da da da ♪ -♪ Da da da da ♪
-♪ Da da da da ♪ -♪ Da da dum da-da-dum da-da-dum
da-da da da da ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] I like that. We can do that. We should do that.
They should do that. Thank you. All right.
Charlie, take us home, bud. -Okay. [ Beeping ] -“We Don’t Talk Anymore.” -The Doobie Brothers.
-Doobie Brothers. We don’t talk any– Yeah. -Yeah. [ Piano plays ] ♪♪ ♪ We don’t talk anymore ♪ ♪ We don’t talk anymore ♪ ♪ We don’t talk anymore ♪ ♪ Like we used to do ♪ ♪ We don’t love anymore ♪ ♪ What was all of it for? ♪ ♪ We don’t talk anymore ♪ ♪ Like we used to do ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -That’s it right there.
That’s it. That’s all the time we have
for “Musical Genre Challenge.” Give it up for Charlie Puth.
-Hey, guys, I’m here at 50th
Street subway station, right below Rockefeller Center,
with Alanis Morissette. She and I are about to go
onto the subway platform and start busting in disguise.
-Nobody knows about this. No one knows
that it’s me and Alanis. Let’s do this.
-Let’s do this. -Do we go through here? ♪♪ Good evening, everybody. We’d like to sing
a couple songs for you. I hope you enjoy.
Happy holidays. [ “The Little Drummer Boy”
plays ] -♪ Come, they told me ♪ ♪ Pa-rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪♪ ♪ A newborn king to see ♪ ♪ Pa-rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪ ♪ Pa-rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To lay before the king ♪ ♪ Pa-rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪ Rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Shall I play for you? ♪ ♪ Pa-rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪ Me and my drum ♪ ♪ Me and my dru-u-m ♪ -Thank you very much,
everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Happy, happy, happy holidays,
everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] My name is, uh, Jimmy Fallon. [ Cheers and applause ] And this is Alanis Morissette
right here! [ Cheers and applause ] [ “You Oughta Know” plays ] -♪ I want you to know ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ That I’m happy for you ♪ [ Laughs ] ♪ I wish nothing but
the best for you both ♪ ♪ An older version of me ♪ ♪ Is she perverted like me? ♪ ♪ Would she go down on you
in a theater? ♪ ♪ Does she speak eloquently? ♪ ♪ And would she
have your baby? ♪ ♪ I’m sure she’d make
a really excellent mother ♪ ♪ ‘Cause the love that you gave
that we made ♪ ♪ Wasn’t able to make it
enough for you ♪ ♪ To be open-wide, no ♪ ♪ And every time
you speak her name ♪ ♪ Does she know
how you told me ♪ ♪ You’d hold me
until you died? ♪ ♪ Till you died,
but you’re still alive ♪ ♪ And I’m here to remind you ♪ ♪ Of the mess you left
when you went away ♪ ♪ It’s not fair to deny me ♪ ♪ Of the cross I bear
that you gave to me ♪ ♪ You, you, you oughta know ♪ -Thank you very much,
everybody. Happy holidays!
[ Cheers and applause ] Alanis Morissette!
Thank you, New York City! Have a great holiday!
I love everybody! [ Cheers and applause
>>BILLIE EILISH DRESS LIKE SHE GOT HER CLOTHES STOLEN AT THE GYM SO THEY GAVE HER WHAT THEY HAD IN THE LOST AND FOUND.>>THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE A WHITE VAN WITH “FREE CANDY” WRITTEN ON THE SIDE.>>IT’S A BLACK VAN.>>SOULLESS, PURPOSELESS, VIRTUOUS SELL-OUT. NICE DORITOS COMMERCIAL YOU PIECE OF [ BLEEP ]. THERE’S PEOPLE THAT DON’T LIKE ME? WHAT THE [ BLEEP ].>>I’D RATHER LISTEN TO A BARN FULL OF BABY PIGS BEING VACCINATED THAN LUKE BRYAN’S NEW SONG. I HAVE VACCINATED BABY PIGS. AND THAT’S AWFUL.>>HOW CRAZY ARE YOU ON A SCALE OF ONE TO PERRY FERRELL. OH. OUT OF 100% PERRY FERRELL.>>WHY DOES TREY COOL FROM GREENDAY LOOK LIKE THE EMOW VERSION OF TED CRUZ?>>WELL.>>I FEEL LIKE LEON BURGESS MAKES MUSIC FOR STRAIGHT WHITE COUPLES TO DANCE TO IN THEIR KITCHENS, BUT ONLY IF THEY HAVE GRANITE TOPS. I STILL LIKE IT EVEN THOUGH I’M GAY AND POOR.>>WHY DOES A MEMBER LOOK LIKE A JOCK THAT’S ALSO A VAMPIRE. OKAY, I’LL TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT.>>WHAT IF GOD IS REALLY JOHN MAHER COVERING DAVE MATTHEWS COVERS AT THAT BAR YOUR DAD LIKES.>>HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE.>>BUS PASSES AND HAPPY MILLS, TWO THINGS I MIMAGINE LIZZO HAS SEEN A LOT OF.>>HE MAKES MUSIC FOR PEOPLE WHO TASTE THE GAS BEFORE THEY FILL UP THEIR TRUCK. THAT’S PRETTY GOOD. I’LL GIVE’EM THAT ONE.>>I JUST WATCHED A BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE OF CASRDI B, AND THT BITCH JUST LOOKS LOUD WITHOUT ANY SOUND ON. HOW I LOOK LOUD? HOW I LOOK LOUD? I’M LOUD? I DON’T EVEN THINK I’M LIKE LOUD. MY ASS.>>Jimmy: YOU’RE AT A PERFECT VOLUME, CARDI.