BABY, IT’S AN EROTIC BOOKSTORE.>>ANYTHING TO HELP OUR DUMB ASS
DRY SPELL.>>WELCOME TO THE SCORCHED
COURSE ET WHERE FANTASIES DELIGHT.
>>WHAT MY FRIEND CAROL IS TRYING TO SAY IS LET US KNOW IF
YOU NEED ANYTHING.>>WE’RE JUST BROWSING.
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING BY JACQUELIN LEVO?
>>HAVE YOU READ THE RANCH HAND AND THE ROW?
>>I HAVE NOT.>>OUR STOCK BOY SHOULD KNOW
WHERE IT IS. JOHN GEORGE.
>>YES.>>ASSIST ME AT ONCE.
>>SURE. LET’S GET THAT BOOK.
>>SHE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.>>OH, JOHN GEORGE, YOU WANT ME.
I KNOW IT, BUT WE’RE AT WORK. WE CAN’T.
A WOMAN OF MY STATURE WITH A BRUTE ACCUSTOMED TO MANUAL
I’M A BIG BOY. I HAVE A THICK NECK.
BIG HANDS. I’VE BEEN WANTING YOU SO BAD IN
THIS STORE.>>I’M SORRY.
WHAT’S GOING ON BACK THERE?>>OH, THAT’S JUST CAROL AND
DAN. SHE CALLS HIM JOHN GEORGE.
>>WHY?>>I DON’T KNOW.
BUT DON’T WORRY, THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING.
IT’S ALL SHOW AND NO GO.>>I FOUND IT.
HERE YOU GO. I HOPE THIS TEASES AND PLEASES.
NOW, GO. FREE OF CHARGE.
BETTER BE $5 OF BEDROOM MAGIC. COME ON.
>>HI. I’M LOOKING FOR A FUN LIGHT READ
FOR A LONG PLANE RIDE.>>PERHAPS YOU LIKE THE WORK OF
FEATHER DUBREAUX. JOHN GEORGE!
>>YES.>>TO THE BOOK CASE.
>>LET’S HUSTLE, CAROL.>>QUICK, TAKE ME AWAY TO A
FANTASY. I’M ON AN IRISH CLIFF.
MY HAIR IS RED AND VERY WIDE. IT’S BLOWING IN THE IRISH WIND,
AND I’M KNOWN ONLY AS LADY VELVET.
>>I’M THE GUY WHO PUTS THE HORSE FOOD IN THE HORSE BUCKET.
>>YES.>>I’M DIRTY, AND STRONG.
>>YES. YOU WORK ON MY ESTATE.
>>AND I HAVE THICK STEAK HANDS, RIGHT?
>>SO ARE THEY A COUPLE?>>NO.
THEY’RE DAMN NOT. THEY JUST WORK HERE.
I MEAN, SHE DOES.>>AND HE DOESN’T?
>>NO. HE WORKS FOR HER.
>>WHAT DO YOU MEAN?>>SHE PAYS HIM OUT OF HER
PAYCHECK.>>BUT SHE’S THE OWNER?
>>NO, I AM.>>SO HE DOESN’T WORK HERE?
>>RIGHT.>>AND THAT DOESN’T BOTHER YOU?
>>IT REALLY DOES, BUT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, YOU KNOW?
>>MY TINY PINK NIPS SCREAM IN THE HOWLING WIND.
>>AND MY THICK STEAK HANDS REACH AT THOSE.
>>OH, BUT WE SHANT TOUCH BECAUSE I AM A LADY OF SATIN
GLOVES AND TINY DECADENT CAKES.>>AND I AM A DIRT MAN THAT
KNOWS ONLY SEX.>>TEACH ME!
>>GET THE BOOK! GET THE DAMN BOOK!
>>HERE, HERE. TAKE IT AS A GIFT.
NOW GO.>>NO, YOU MUST PAY.
>>THIS IS TANYA WHITMORE. SHE WRITES FILTH.
>>CAROL, FIX THIS.>>I SHALL.
JOHN GEORGE!>>I’M A CAVE MAN WITH A BIG
GUN.>>OH, AND I’M A HORNY WEALTHY
GHOST. WITH FULL THROTTLE KNOCKERS.
>>AND I GRAB YOUR GHOST BUTT WITH MY TEN POUND HANDS.
>>I’M REALLY SORRY. THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
JUST ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.>>LOOK, YOU TWO.
STOP IT AND LISTEN TO ME. I AM ON HORSEBACK.
LEATHER CHAPS MY SKIN AS I RIDE ATOP THE RED ROCKS OF SEDONA.
[ APPLAUSE ]
MY COUSIN’S WEDDING IS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER WEDDING, OKAY.
>>BUT I’VE NEVER MET ANY OF YOUR FAMILY BEFORE.
I’M JUST KIND OF NERVOUS.>>WHY?
WHAT IS THERE TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT?
>>I DON’T KNOW. I’M A SOFTWARE ENGINEER FROM
INDIANAPOLIS.>>THESE PEOPLE DON’T BITE.
>>ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
ALRIGHT, LET’S GET IT GOING, Y’ALL.
I NEED EVERYBODY ON THE DANCE FLOOR RIGHT NOW.
BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE IT FUNKY, FUNKY, FUNKY.
EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS. CLAP, CLAP, CLAP YOUR HANDS.
>>IT’S JUST — I DON’T WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF OR YOU.
>>FINE. JUST BE YOURSELF.
>>TAKE IT BACK NOW, Y’ALL. ONE HOP THIS TIME.
TWO HOPS THIS TIME. RIGHT FOOT, LET’S STOMP.
LEFT FOOT, LET’S STOMP. CHA CHA NOW, Y’ALL.
♪♪♪ TURN IT UP.
>>I’M SORRY TO BE WEIRD. IS YOUR MOMMY — IS YOUR MOM
HERE?>>I TOLD YOU, EVERYONE’S HERE.
>>TAKE IT BACK NOW, Y’ALL. ONE HOP THIS TIME.
NOW — NOW HOLD THEM —
CHA CHA NOW, Y’ALL. ♪♪♪
TURN IT UP.>>IS THIS THE RADIO?
>>THIS IS THE CLUB REMIX, THE 12 INCH.
♪♪♪>>CHA CHA, NOW Y’ALL.
♪♪♪ TURN IT UP.
>>I MEAN WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO YOUR MOM?
WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT>>YOU’LL BE GREAT.
I TOLD HER ALL ABOUT YOU.>>NOW PULL OUT YOUR CHURCH
FANS. AND WAVE THAT FAN.
>>CHURCH FANS? I DIDN’T BRING A CHURCH FAN.
>>OH, I HAVE AN EXTRA. HERE.
>>WAVE IT ALL AROUND. NOW WAVE IT ALL AROUND.
CHA CHA NOW Y’ALL. ♪♪♪
TURN IT UP.>>DO YOU KNOW EVERYBODY HERE?
>>NO, I BARELY KNOW HALF OF THESE PEOPLE.
>>HEY, DANIEL. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>>OH, MY GOD, JERMAINE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>I’M WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
>>HI, I’M LISA. YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
>>YEAH, WE WERE IN THE SAME FRATERNITY.
>>WHICH ONE WAS THAT?>>KAPPA ALPHA PSI AT HOWARD
>>AND ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, WE WENT ON A TOM JOYNER CRUISE
WHERE WE SAW SINBAD AND ANITA BAKER.
>>WASN’T THAT SPECIAL? LOOKS LIKE MY SON’S ACTING UP
AGAIN. PUT THAT DOWN, BOY.
>>I GUESS SOMEBODY’S GOING TO BE ON PUNISHMENT.
>>YOU KNOW, GOOD TO SEE YOU DANIEL.
PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, BOY.>>SEE?
I MEAN IT’S NOT SO BAD. YOU HAVE A FRIEND HERE.
>>YEAH, ONE.>>TWO HOPS THIS TIME.
RIGHT FOOT, TWO STOMPS. LEFT FOOT, TWO STOPS.
— Y’ALL.>>IT’S JUST — IT’S HARD FOR ME
TO BE IN A NEW ENVIRONMENT.>>I KNOW.
BUT WE ALL HAVE TO DO IT SOMETIME.
>>HEY, DANIEL. I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.
>>HEY, MS. STALEY. I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WAS HERE.
>>YOU KNOW DANIEL?>>WE WAS PARTNERS IN THE
STAGE — DOWN AT THE CHURCH. WE WON $50.
>>WE SURE DID. HEY, ARE YOU STILL WATCHING
I HAD TO CANCEL STARZ. IT GOT TOO EXPENSIVE.
>>OH, IT’S A DAMN SHAME HOW EXPENSIVE THESE CABLES ARE THESE
DAYS. HEY, HOW’S YOUR FOOT FEELING?
>>THEY FEEL MUCH BETTER. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
I HAVE BEEN SOAKING IT EVERY NIGHT.
>>WELL, I’M GOING TO PRAY ON IT.
>>WELL, THANK YOU DARLING. COME ON BACK.
YOU KNOW, I’M COOKING GREENS.>>OH, MY GOD.
YOU KNOW MY AUNT BETTER THAN I DO.
>>OH, STOP. SHE IS JUST BEING NICE.
>>SLIDE TO THE LEFT. SLIDE TO THE RIGHT.
NOW BEYONCE ONE. ♪♪♪
NOW BEYONCE TWO. GOOD JOB.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. IT’S 11:01.
AND MY BREAK WAS SCHEDULED FOR 11:00.
I’M OUT OF HERE. PEACE.
>>YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE, ALL RIGHT?
>>YOU THINK SO?>>YES, I SWEAR.
MY BROTHER’S THE DJ.>>HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON MAN?
HOW ARE YOU?
-We wanted to play a game, so we could get to know you guys
a little bit more if we don’t know you guys. This is a game called
“Most Likely To,” okay? -All right.
-So check this out. This is all you need
is this thing. -Okay.
-There you go. Now here you go.
I will name some things, and you will point at who
is most likely to…blank, okay? -Okay.
-Here we go. First one — who is more likely
to Google their name? [ Laughter ] Really?
-Oh, I love to Google my name. -Really?
-I mean, it sends me — It sends me into,
like, a fit of rage. [ Laughter ]
-I know the eyes. -I like it.
It’s just like social — Like, I love Twitter
just because it feels like — Twitter’s like if everybody
you hated had your phone number. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -It is awf–
It really is awful. -It’s infuriating.
I love it. -It’s infuriating.
-It’s so much fun. -Oh, I would never do that.
-I love it, man. Try it. -Who is — Who is more likely
to lose their phone? -Probably you.
-Maybe me. -Yeah.
-You, sometimes. No? -Uh…yeah.
Maybe. -You lose your phone?
-I lost — We went to get iPhones together.
It was really cute. Yeah, yeah.
[ Audience “Awws” ] -You guys are the best. -Yeah,
we do everything together. -You should
make a movie about that. -That’d be really interesting. -And they finally kissed. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God. -Hey.
-Hell no. -No, no, no.
-Like “Pretty woman”! -Oh, I’m not waiting for Jost. [ Laughter ] -Like “Pretty Woman.” -We went to buy iPhones
together, and on the way, I left my current iPhone
in the cab. -Getting your new phone.
-On the way to get it. And then I borrowed Michael’s
to use the Find My iPhone and got the cab to come back. And then,
I went back to get my phone and left Michael’s phone
in the cab. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That’s awful. -So I’m doing pretty good. -Who is more likely
to do their own laundry? -I always do my own laundry.
-Yeah. -But you don’t just
do your own laundry. You do your laundry
every two days. -I wash my sheets
every two days. -Which is insane.
[ Scattered cheers ] -You don’t know my life.
No, I — No, I do — I just, I’m like — I don’t know
if I’m a germophobe, but, like,
I’m just afraid of me. [ Laughter ] I got my washing machine for the first time in my life
in my apartment, so it’s just exciting
to be able to wash stuff. [ Laughter ] -You got to use it, right?
-Yeah. -It’s a big deal.
It’s fun. You put the quarters in,
you go for it. It’s exciting.
-Yeah. You’re not an every-two-day guy? -In college, I think
I went a year without — -Oh, my God.
-Washing my sheets. -No. -Because I didn’t know.
I was in college, I was like, “Yeah, sheets are on,
and they’re set.” [ Laughter ] -He told me
he doesn’t wash his pants. -Well, not all the —
You know — Pants you can go
a long time, I think. -Can you? -That’s why
you smell like bus seat. [ Laughter ] -Bus seat?
Bus seat. -Bus seats. [ Laughter ] -I never heard that one before. “You smell like bus seat.”
Oh, man. Who is more likely
to get you a birthday gift? -Oh, well, we’re —
-We give each other gifts. -Yeah, we give each other
birthday gifts. [ Audience “Awws” ]
-You — -♪ Pretty woman ♪ [ Laughter ] -Minor —
You got me — You’ve gotten me
some interesting gifts. -You got me a weird —
a couple weird gifts, too. -What does he — -Well, this birthday,
Michael got me a clown. [ Laughter ] -He was having
a very intimate birthday dinner. -Yes.
-And I sent a party clown. [ Laughter ] To do balloon animals
and face painting. -Yes.
-Did you know what was going on? -I had no idea. I was at a restaurant and a
woman approached me and said, “Would you like me to make you
a balloon animal?” And I just thought it was sort
of part of the restaurant. [ Laughter ] -The restaurant
had a party clown? -I was like,
“Yeah, sure, that’s fine.” And then, she was like,
“And would your friends like some balloon animals,
as well?” And I was like,
“Sure, yeah, that’s good.” And she was like,
“And what about face paint?” And I was like,
“Well, yeah, maybe.” [ Laughter ] -What?
[ Both laugh ] -And then, next thing,
my girlfriend was like, “Oh, that’s what Che sent.” Realizing that
that’s what he had set up. ‘Cause she thought
it was gonna be a stripper. [ Laughter ] -In fairness to me,
I just got money. [ Laughter ] So…
-No, I like that. Hey, he could’ve sent him
a washing machine. -Yeah. -Could’ve sent him
a washing machine. Yeah, exactly.
Come on. -He sent me —
He got me a cash register. -I listened.
I listened to you, and he said
that he’s always really loved old-timey cash registers. -I said I liked a old-timey
cash register at the bar. And he sends me a 150-pound
cast-iron cash register. [ Laughter ] So for Christmas,
I sent you a Hawkeye costume. -He got me a very full,
realistic Hawkeye costume from “The Avengers,” that had, like, actual things
he would launch from the hands. Like, it would’ve
basically looked — until I saw the hands,
it just looked like a full leather bodysuit. [ Laughter ] -Because your girlfriend
is Black Widow. [ Laughter ] -Wait. Do you think that
they’re a couple in the movie? -I haven’t seen the movie. [ Laughter ] -You have to watch
“The Avengers.” -They always say,
right after “Pretty Woman,” you got to check out
“The Avengers.” -You got to check out
“The Avengers.” You guys
have the best chemistry, and I can’t wait to see
what you do at the Emmys, and we’ll be rooting
for you here, man. -I’m having fun.
[ Cheers and applause ] -We love you, man.
-Thank you, Jimmy. -Michael Che, Colin Jost.
[ Cheers and applause ] They are hosting the Emmys, live, Monday,
September 17th, on NBC, and it’s gonna be awesome.
>>>COME ON COME ON COME ON COME
ON. AH, DAMN IT.
>>NICE GAME. ♪♪♪
>>ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS EPIC.
ALL RIGHT, ATTENTION VIDEO GAMERS, SONIC GOON JUST KNOCKED
OUT GAMER CHICK XX WHICH MEANS THE QUARTERFINAL MATCH OF THE
DEATH FIGHT 12 TOURNAMENT WILL BE SONIC GOON VS. PONE DUNKY.
PONE DUNKY MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE TOURNAMENT STAGE.
>>ALL RIGHT, LET’S DO THIS. WHAT’S UP.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT’S UP.
>>ALL RIGHT, ONE MATCH. BEST TWO OUT OF THREE ROUNDS.
SONIC GOON, YOU ARE PLAYER ONE. PICK YOUR DEATH FIGHTER.
>>PLAYER ONE, CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER.
SCORPINOX. YOU SELECTED SCOPINOX.
>>NO MERCY. ONLY PAIN.
>>HEY, I WAS GOING TO BE SCORPINOX.
THAT’S COOL THOUGH. LET’S SEE WHO OUR PONE DUNKY
GONE TO BEAT YOU WITH.>>PLAYER TWO, CHOOSE YOUR
FIGHTER. DEATH STRIKE.
>>LET’S RIP SOME THROATS UP.>>NO I DON’T LIKE DEATH
STRIKE’S COMBOS. NEXT PLEASE.
>>PYRO.>>WHAT WANTS TO FEEL THE BURN?
>>NOW PYRO’S TOO SLOW MAN. I NEED SOMEBODY LIKE DOOM SNAKE.
WHERE MY BUDDY DOOM STAKE AT?>>BOOBOO JEFFRIES.
>>BOOBOO JEFFRIES. Y’ALL KNOW ME.
YO, MIND 12 ADDED SOME WHACK CHARACTERS.
I’M SORRY, BOOBOO, BUT THAT’S A NEXT.
>>YOU HAVE SELECTEDB BALBOA JEFFRIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>KNOCK KNOCK, WHO’S THERE?
BOOBOO JEFFRIES. BOOBOO JEFFRIES WHO?
IF YOU DON’T KNOW, YOU STUPID. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>HEY, I PUSHED THE WRONG BUTTON, MAN.
CAN WE START IT OVER?>>HEY SORRY DUDE, NO RESETS IN
TOURNAMENT PLAY.>>EVEN IF WE ACCIDENTALLY
PICKED BOOBOO JEFFRIES. A CHARACTER THAT I AIN’T NEVER
EVEN SEEN BEFORE.>>
>>I MEAN, JUST GO TO OUR OVERVIEW.
>>BOOBOO JEFFRIES, FIGHTER OVERVIEW.
>>GET TO KNOW YOUR GIRL, BOOBOO JEFFRIES.
>>PRIMARY ATTACK.>>RIHANNA, RIHANNA, RIHANNA.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>SECONDARY ATTACK MOVE.
>>BEYONCE, BEYONCE, BEYONCE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>THOSE ARE HER SPECIAL MOVES. MAN, THIS IS A GAME WHERE YOU
RIP PEOPLE’S HEADS OFF.>>FIGHTER STRENGTH.
>>MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM. SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>FIGHTER WEAKNESSES.
>>MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS FIGHTING.
>>FIGHTING? THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU GOT TO
BE GOOD AT IN THIS. IT’S CALLED DEATH FIGHTER.
>>MY OTHER WEAKNESS IS I GET WEIRD IN GROUPS.
I’M GREAT ONE ON ONE BUT IN BIG GROUPS, SAD IS MY ASS SHUTS
DOWN. I GET QUIET AND IN MY HEAD, WHY
DO I DO THAT?>>I DON’T KNOW, BOOBOO
JEFFRIES. HEY MAN, I PAYED $75 TO PLAY IN
THIS TOURNAMENT, MAN. JUST LET ME BE DOOM SLAYER.
>>HEY, I’M SORRY BRO. RULES ARE RULES.
GOOD LUCK GENTLEMEN.>>SCORPINOX VERSUS BOOBOO
JEFFRIES. ROUND ONE.
>>NO! [ LAUGHTER ]
>>SCORPINOX WINS.>>YOUR DEFEAT TASTES DELICIOUS.
>>SHE LEFT? YO, I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO PUSH
ONE BUTTON.>>YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A
RIHANNA ON HIM.>>NO, I SHOULD HAVE PICKED DOOM
SNAKE.>>HEY, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO
WIN WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT. LET’S GO ROUND TWO.
>>ROUND TWO, FIGHT.>>RIHANNA, RIHANNA, RIHANNA.
>>THAT RIHANNA MOVING WAS A BIG HELP.
THANKS.>>TRY THE COMBO.
>>LET’S SEE WHAT THE COMBO MOVE IS ABOUT.
>>BOOBOO JEFFRIES COMBO, PREPARE TO BE MARKED.
>>COMBO.>>OH, YOU GETTING MARKED FOR
DEATH. I KNEW MY GIRL BOOBOO WOULD COME
THROUGH.>>OKAY, LISTEN UP BUSTER.
THE FUNNY BUSINESS ENDS NOW. NOW HIT THE ROAD, JACK.
>>THAT’S A REAL MAN RIGHT THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’M PUSHING ZERO BUTTONS
RIGHT NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS JUST HAPPENING.>>HEY, YOU GOT WAX IN YOUR
EARS? I SAID SCRAM.
>>WOW, REALLY SAVED THE DAY THERE, MARK.
>>OKAY, REAL TALK. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM VIE
LENS. WHEN YOU FIGHT, YOU LOSE.
SO BOOBOO JEFFRIES IS REMOVING HERSELF FROM THE SITUATION,
WHICH MEANS BOOBOO JEFFRIES WINS.
>>WINS AT WHAT? LIFE, OR THE GAME?
>>SCORPINOX WINS.>>SO, NOT THE GAME.
GREAT, COOL. ♪♪♪
>>AND SONIC GOON TAKES IT. HE’S GOING TO THE SEMI.
>>WELL THERE’S A REASON WHY BOOBOO JEFFRIES ISN’T ON THE
COVER OF THIS GAME WITH ALL OTHER FIGHTERS.
>>YEAH. SHE HATES GROUP SETTINGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’M SORRY.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?>>AMY.
>>SHUT UP, AMY. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]