Browsing Tag: funny video

– I don’t give a fuck about my
my mama’s tears.What I care about is this. I was in the fucking vestibule
area with my balls lifted up squatted, letting this fucking
child predator look at me. This is what I’m fucking focused
on. I’m killin’ Mitchell, and I
already put it in my mind. [engine revs][dark electronic music]♪ [mouthing words] [gunshot] [heart beating] [roars] [gunshots] [growls] [roars] [growls] [roars] [cheers and applause] – I’m super excited to have this
guy back–he told my favorite story ever on this show. You guys are gonna love him. Give it up for
Mr. Ali Siddiq, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause]– This is what happenswhen you take a 19-year-old boy,
and put him in prison. This is what happens. Now, I’m 21 at the time,
but I just settled in to the prison now;
been there for a while. But in prison, you have
things that you’re very particular about. Like, I told my celly, “Hey, no
peeing standing up “in this cell. You have to sit down and pee.” Because of this. I pray on the floor, and so if
you urinate, you splash urine all over the
place, I’ma kill you. [laughter] All right, just setting the
tone. So you start to develop certain
type of phobias about things. I developed this phobia when I
first got to this place called diagnostics in prison. It’s a–it’s basically slavery. It’s, like, a bunch of fences. You in one fence. It’s, like–it’s a space for,
like, 80 people, but they ram, like, 200 people
in this space, and you just trying to get your
space. You don’t want nobody behind
you. You don’t want nobody’s butt in
front of you. You just want to maintain your
space. So that’s the first–the first
little cage, and you have on clothes, so they
move you to the second cage, and they tell you to take off
all your clothes. Now you naked with the same
bunch of people smashed in, so now you back trying to get
your space. You don’t want nobody behind
you. Don’t want nobody in front of
you. Trying to get your space. Dude–we all naked, so dude come
over and talk to me and say, “Hey, man, what’s going on?
What you in here for?” “Hey, dude, get the fuck away
from me. I’m naked, and you in my space.” [laughter] So I’m not really comfortable
being naked with a– a plethora
of men–I’m not–that’s not where I’m at with my life. [laughter] So…movin’ forward, now I’m in
prison, and I remember somethin’ my uncle told me: he
said, “You never wanna be naked in
prison. “You buy some shorts off
commissary, and they can’t make you take off the shorts ’cause
the shorts are not contraband.” Cool. I’ve been having these
shorts– this was my first purchase. A lot of people purchase other
things on commissary, soup and food. I bought a pair of white shorts,
$7.00. Best purchase
I’ve made in prison. [laughter] So I wear these shorts every
day–even if I wear my boxers, I wear the shorts on under my
boxers ’cause I already know any time, you can be strip searched,
and I know the rules, ’cause I was the fire and safety
clerk, you see. Let me tell you, fine–it’s
power. I know everything about this
prison, ’cause I worked for Scarborough, which is the fire
and safety man. I’m the fire and safety clerk,
so I don’t want nobody fucking with me, stripping down,
nothing. So most of the time, I’m a–I’m
a well-respected young guy in this prison, ’cause I’ve been
here since I was 19, now I’m 21, and I’m just
gaining my stripes. Officers respect me,
cause I’m respectable. And I’m so respectable that
officers don’t do this. When they call–there’s this
thing they call chow time. That’s when people run out the
door to go eat like fucking cattle. I said, “Hey, don’t talk to me
like that. I’m a civilized human being.” And the officers were like, “Oh,
chow time.” Then they’d turn around, “Ali,
excuse me, lunch for you.” I’m like, “Thank you, sir.” [laughter] ‘Cause I’m very civilized. So now, I’m–I’m about to become
uncivilized because there’s an officer named Mitch–
it’s always somebody– when a bunch of people like you,
it’s always somebody who doesn’t like you, and they’re
trying to prove a point. So Mitchell sees me, and let me
tell you who Mitchell look like. Mitchell looked the dude–what’s
the dude, Flanders, on “The Simpsons”? Who’s always like a fucking
pedophile to me, always. So I’m comin’ through, for no
random reason, Mitchell pulls me over in this area–
I’m on building eight, is where I stay at, and
it’s a high traffic area– the vestibule area. He stops me in the fuckin’
vestibule area, and say, “Hey, I think you have some
contraband. “I’m gonna shake you down.”
I’m like, “Yo, Mitchell, I just “came from necessities, I don’t
have no fuckin’ contraband. Get the fuck out of here.” You know, and put your hands
down while you’re talking to me, ’cause you supposed to stay
three feet away from me, ’cause you know I’m the fucking
fire and safety clerk, so don’t fucking break the
rules. [laughter] So he say, “Well, I’m gonna
strip search you.” I’m like, no, you’re not–
not in this high traffic area–no, you’re not, sir.
So he calls the rest of these other officers around, some
fucking rookies that don’t know me, and and he’s
like, “Yo, you gonna have to take off your clothes.” So I took off all of their white
shit–their clothes. Gave it to him–nothing.
I got my shorts on. I’m standin’ there. He say, “You’re gonna have to
take them shorts off.” I say, “That’s not the rules,
Mitchell, not the rules.” [laughter] And now I’m getting a little–
a little heated about this, because I know I have a problem
with being naked in the fucking hallway, and I
know that I have a problem with this, and I’m trying to get
Mitchell to understand. “Mitchell, this is not gonna be
good.” [laughter] “Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.” I’m trying to explain to
Mitchell, “Mitchell…” so he gets all the rest of these
officers around. The captain comes up and says,
“I can’t go against my officer– “he say you got contraband.
You gonna have to get naked.” I say, “Captain, if I get naked
in this hallway, in front “of all these people comin’
in and out…” and I turned right to Mitchell and looked at
him in his eyes and said, “This ain’t gonna
be good, Mitchell.” [laughter] “Because I don’t give a shit
about goin’ home at this point. “I came here with 15 years,
Mitchell, I wanna do these “little 15 years and go home.
But if you make me get naked “in this motherfuckin’
vestibule area…” [laughter] So they got all these officers
around me, and I done threatened this man
with the easiest way I can threaten him without getting
sent to cell. I said, “Mitchell, this ain’t
gonna be good, brother.” So long story short,
I end up naked, and I’m pissed. I’m naked and I’m bald-headed,
and then he takin’ me through this bullshit: “Run your
fingers through your hair.” [laughter] “Open your mouth.” “I’ve been talking this whole
time. “If something was in my mouth,
Mitchell, it’d have been fell out.” “Open your mouth.” “Lift up your balls.” “Squat.” Let me explain what he just did:
I went to prison for a nonviolent case,
drug dealing. What he just turned me into was a violent young man at 21. Because you made me
cough and squat for no fuckin’ reason, other than that you wanted
see me, in my mind. So now I’m–I got tears in my
eyes, and people are walking past. Other prisoners are walking
past, and they looking at Mitchell like, “Mitchell…” [laughter] “This ain’t gonna be good.” [laughter] So for eight months, I been
planning on killin’ Mitchell. [laughter] Like, I done wrote my mama this
coded–this coded letter lettin’ her know that her son
ain’t comin’ home no mo’. I told–this is what I wrote in
the letter. I said, “Mama, prison is like
judicial slavery. I just figured this out,
and I’m Nat Turner.” [laughter] You had to know about history to
know. Y’all will figure it out. [laughter] And my mom writes me a letter
back like, “Just chill,” and she about a face with tears
on the face, and I’m, like, looking–I don’t even, like, I
don’t give a fuck about my mama’s tears. What I care about is this. I was in the fucking vestibule
area with my balls lifted up squatted, fucking coughing,
letting this fucking child predator look at me. This is what I’m fucking focused
on. I’m killin’ Mitchell, and I
already put it in my mind– It’s done.
[laughter] So I done told two people. I told two people, Allamine–his name is Leslie
Davis– and Mustapha. I don’t know Mustapha’s name,
’cause I was so terrified of Mustapha, I never wanted to
ask him his real name, ’cause then what happens? Somebody bust him for something
else in prison, then I know is real name, then
it’s back on me. Didn’t want to know. [laughter] So I told Mustapha–Mustapha was
like, “Yeah, that was foul what
Mitchell did.” Mustapha been here for
27 years–if I kill somebody, I know he down.
[laughter] Allamine got 50 years,
he ain’t goin’ nowhere. I plan on spendin’
the rest of my life with Allamine and Mustapha–
[laughter] ’cause I’m gonna kill Mitchell.
I already know this. [laughter] Don’t know how, but, like anything in my life, somethin’ is gonna break.
This dude–I’m comin’ from eatin’, this dude say,
“Hey, ‘Li.” I said, “What’s up, man?” He say, “You know Mitchell
is working the 4 gate.” I said, “What?”
Now my job in–in prison, I haven’t been happy about
nothin’ in a long time. The man told me that he was
working 4 gate, I got fuckin’ excited. Let me tell you what 4 gate is. 4 gate is the gate to closed
custody. I live on 8 building. You got to go to 4 building if
you going to closed custody. When you come around the corner
in 4 building, it’s, like, you’ve got to come past the
cafeteria, and then it’s the main building
this way, and then it’s this little side hallway, and you
can’t see anybody until you come around that
corner. And Mitchell was at a gate
around that corner, which is a good–he’s not gonna
make it if I get to him. He’s not gonna make it. [laughter] And then it’s that gate, and
then it’s the gate to 4 building, so it’s a long way to
get to him, then it’s another long way to
get to that door. I got a plan. I’ma just run and just fucking
just try to get through that gate and just stab Mitchell, but
that’s stupid; that’s stupid. So… [laughter] I go back to my cell, and I’m sitting up trying to map
out a plan on how I can fucking kill this dude. And then I hear, “Get ready
to go to 4 building.” I look out my cell door–it’s a
dude that got in trouble, now he’s gettin’ sent
to 4 building. He has this big, white bucket
with all this shit in it, and I say, “Hey, you going to 4
building?” He say, “Yeah.” I say, “Let me carry
your mattress for you.” He say,
“Cool, I need some help.” I go upstairs, get my knife,
put my–strap my shit on me, boom–I got a big-ass mattress
over my shoulder, so you can’t see my face.
He’s rollin’ the bucket, mattress over me,
come around the building, and I’m so fucking excited,
’cause I’m going to kill Mitchell, and I’m gonna drink a
sip of his blood, ’cause I fucking hate him that
bad. [laughter] When they find me, I’ma be like,
“Yeah,” Mitchell on my… I’m–I’m–oh, can’t fucking
wait. Oh, I’m so violent.
I can’t wait. So I got this knife, and I got
this mattress, and this dude–and man, this
dude, he has no idea what’s gonna happen. He’s–he’s accessory to this
crime, and he is so unaware. He’s just rollin’–he rollin’
his bucket talking about his family, man. “It’s fucked up. My family ain’t
gonna get to visit me.” I’m like, “Good.
Mine ain’t either.” [laughter] So we coming around the
building. We coming past the fucking chow
hall, and I’m just getting more and
more excited, ’cause this is gonna be a good
one. Somebody apparently tells,
’cause Allamine’s looking for me, apparently. He’s like, “Yo, where Ali at?” He said, “Ali, helped old boy
move to 4 building.” And Mustapha–’cause I get this
all–the backstory– Mustapha said, “Yeah, he going
to 4 building.” And Leslie–Allamine–say, “Hey,
man, I think Mitchell on 4 building.” Mustapha say, “Mitchell on 4
building? Man, let’s go get this boy,
’cause he gonna kill Mitchell.” [laughter] Now, and it’s complicated,
’cause they got to get out of 8 building first. You got to get out of 8
building. You got to get–bust out your
part, come out of 8 building. I’m thinking I’m good. I’ve got enough time to commit
this murder and hopefully get away with it
after I sip his blood. [laughter] Boom. So we coming around the corner. The dude has the bucket. He’s going through. Mitchell opens the gate. And I’m like, yes, but he don’t
see me. He can’t see me, ’cause I have
the mattress over my shoulder. And as the bucket goes through
the gate, it’s–the path is clear. All I got to do is wait for that
bucket to get out the way, then Mitchell will be standing
at the edge of that gate. I can walk
through my mattress and just fuckin’ start stabbing
Mitchell uncontrollably. [laughter] This is what I’m thinking. I got it planned out in my head. I’m dead serious. So I come–I’m right there
and, as soon as I fuckin’ get to where I can see Mitchell,
Allamine and Mustapha come around the fuckin’
hallway and say, “Ali!” And I turn and look,
and Mitchell sees me and slams the gate and tells me to put the mattress
down. He can take his own mattress. “Put the mattress down.” And I’m standing there
lookin’ at him. Say, “Hey, Mitch.”
And he just say, “Put the mattress down.” I slid the mattress
off of my shoulder, I say, “You have a good day, Mitchell.” And just the fuckin’ terror
in his eyes… [laughter] And I know he shit on hisself
just a little bit… [laughter] Was enough for me,
and I just walked away real slow and didn’t break eye contact
until I got to Allamine. [laughter][dark electronic music]♪♪