Season 14, Episode 18 – Red vs. Blue: The Musical | Red vs. Blue

December 9, 2019

Summer of Animation Theme Vic: You ever have a song stuck in your head? Yeah, me too. Over 5000 to be exact Agent Florida downloaded his entire music library to my hard drives before kicking the aspirin-filled bucket. Dude was really big into Bare Naked Ladies but for me, my heart goes out to the classics, hip-hop, tejano folk fusion , and… musical theatre. Simmons: ♪ Hey ♪ Grif: ♪ Yeah? ♪ Simmons: ♪ You ever wonder why we’re here? ♪ Grif: ♪ It’s one of life’s mysteries ♪ ♪ Why are we standing here? ♪ ♪ Is there a plan? ♪ ♪ Is there a God? ♪ Simmons: What? No, I mean, why are we out here, singing? Sarge: ♪ To kill them dirty Blues ♪ Jazz hands. Simmons: Oh Sarge, we didn’t see you there. Sarge: Boys, I’ve got some news that’s gonna blow your minds and those dirty Blues into teeny tiny pieces. Grif: *sarcastically* I can hardly contain myself. Sarge: We’ve just received a new shipment of weaponry from command that fills my heart with some sort of new emotion I’ve never felt before It makes me feel warm, and want to smile. Simmons: Um sir, I think that’s called happiness. Sarge: It’s disgusting. Grif: So what the hell is it? Sarge: Ladies, allow me to introduce you to… The M41 surface-to-surface rocket medium anti-vehicle assault weapon. I like to call it “The Spanker”. Grif: “The Spanker”? Why the hell would you call it that? Sarge: I’m glad you asked ♪ Well these letters on the side here ♪ ♪ The big SPNKR ♪ ♪ Stand for: ♪ ♪ Sayonara ♪ ♪ See ya’ later ♪ ♪ Au revoir ♪ ♪ See, the Blues have had it coming ♪ ♪ With their fancy Ghosts and Tanks ♪ ♪ But with this gun, our battle’s won ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it don’t just kill, it spanks! ♪ Donut: Ooh! Grif: ♪ Sarge, that name sounds really stupid ♪ Sarge: What!? Simmons: ♪ Yeah, it’s really not that great… ♪ Sarge: *Growling* Simmons Donut: ♪ Oh come on, I kind of liked that one. ♪ Sarge: ♪ This is not up for debate. ♪ Simmons: ♪ Well if we put our heads together ♪ ♪ We can find the perfect name ♪ Donut: ♪ Oh, can I go first? My head’s fit to burst ♪ Grif: Oh God this is so lame… Sarge: ♪ It’s an RPG, a Master Key, a projectile wreckin’ ball ♪ ♪ A big surprise, a little friend, Old Betsy and The Law ♪ ♪ This Lazy Boy’s my favorite toy, and I’ll tell you fellas why ♪ ♪ You lock, you load ♪ ♪ It shoots; explodes! ♪ ♪ And you blow them Blues sky high ♪ *laughs* Grif: Um, yeah, no, those all suck. Sarge: Well, what would you suggest Grif? Grif: Something cool, like: “The Equalizer” Simmons: “The Equalizer”? Grif: What? You got any better ideas? Donut: I do! All: No one cares. Simmons: ♪ Now based on the range of impact ♪ ♪ I’d call it: ♪ ♪ “Simmons’ Blaster” ♪ Grif: ♪ Why not: “Blue-be-gone”? ♪ ♪ or “Air Torpedo”? ♪ Donut: ♪ Or why not: ♪ ♪ “ASS DISASTER” ♪ Simmons: ♪ Those names are total garbage ♪ Grif: Oh right, as if you’d know? Simmons: ♪ How ’bout “8T4”, or “Gjallarhorn”? ♪ Lopez: Te odio pendejos All: ♪ It’s a B.F.G., Blue Destiny, Heat Seeking Dead-Man’s-Bomb ♪ ♪ Where Death begins, and their life ends, it’s a hand held wrath of God ♪ ♪ Call it what you will, we got her set to kill ♪ ♪ Time to paint this canyon red ♪ ‘Cause this Nuke Tube Jack Hammer Compensator? Gut Slammer? Pez Dispenser Boom Stick Chupa-thingy Huge Prick ♪ Iron Churro Assembled Gun ♪ ♪ Heavy Metal Big Bazooka ♪ Sarge: ♪ Means the no-good Blues are dead. Ha! ♪ Grif: But I mean, why can’t we just call it: “The Rocket Launcher”? Sarge: Because nothing rhymes with “launcher” Grif: oh. Sarge: Now come on, we’ve got a whole crate full of these babies It’s time to devise our plan of attack! Church: Oh. That is just great. Tucker: What it it? Church: What is it? Didn’t you just see the song and dance number? Tucker: Uh, no, I can’t see shit from up here. Church: The Reds got a bunch of rocket launchers, and they’re gonna attack Blue Base Tucker: Oh ho ho, I’ve got an idea! Chruch: You do? Tucker: Yeah, how ’bout you let me use the god damn sniper rifle that that I don’t always have to ask you to explain shit.
(Never!) Church: *sigh* ♪ Another day I’m stuck here ♪ ♪ Another day goes by ♪ ♪ Another day I ask myself: ♪ ♪ “Why do I even try?” ♪ ♪ These shitheads all around me ♪ ♪ They poke and prod and pry… ♪ ♪ Sometimes I wish that I’d just… ♪ ♪ DIE ♪ Tucker: Oh, come on Church, your life’s not that bad. Caboose: Yeah, plus you already died once. Church: And whose fault was that Caboose? Caboose: Tucker did it. Tucker: Sheila did it. Sheila: I would rather not get involved in this. Chruch: All of you shut up! You want to know about my life? I’ll tell you. ♪ My 9 to 5 is filled with misery… ♪ ♪ My girlfriend’s always such a bitch to me… ♪ ♪ I think my Death Count’s pushing three… ♪ ♪ I just don’t get how this is hard to see ♪ ♪ And as I lie awake at night… ♪ ♪ I- just- want- to- ♪ ♪ DIE ♪ Tucker : Oh please. ♪ You’re overly dramatic ♪ Doc: ♪ You’re clearly… asymptomatic ♪ Sheila: ♪ Your life is hardly… that traumatic ♪ Caboose: ♪ But, your girlfriend is half-aquatic ♪ Chruch: ♪ You know, I think I change my mind ♪ ♪ I- wish- you’d- all- ♪ ♪ DIE ♪ Doc: Come on buddy, you’ve gotta good thing going for ya’ Tucker: Is that anyway to talk to your team? Caboose: Yea! Caboose: Or your girlfriend? Tucker: Man, How did we- Church: No really guys. Church: Shut up! Church: I had a whole song planned. *incomprehensible* Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! ♪ Living here’s not going well ♪ ♪ This canyon’s my detention cell ♪ ♪ I feel the need to scream and yell ♪ ♪ I wish that you’d all BURN IN HELL ♪ Oh, oh and it gets worse! I have been to jury duty 37 times! I ALWAYS GET THE MIDDLE SEAT ON FLIGHTS! Last year, no one wished me Happy Birthday! FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK EVERYONE. AND FUCK THIS FUCKING SONG. Tucker: Uh, hey, Church. Church: What? Tucker: The Reds are here. Sarge: Attention Blue Team! Prepare for your inevitable demise! Church: *sigh* Yep. Okay. Grif: Um, stauncher, uh… sponser. Simmons: Sponser doesn’t rhyme with launcher. Grif: Dude, just role with me on this, okay? I refuse to call these things- Sarge: Men! Prepare to fire your *Name-Pending-Approval* devices! Grif: Just call them fucking Rocket Launchers! Tucker: Okay Church, what’s the plan here? Church: At this point… I’m just thinking about letting them kill us all. Sheila: You… have got to be kidding. Church: I’m really, truly not. Sarge: Ready… Aim… Sheila: Church! Church: Okay. I’ve got it. Tucker: What? Church: I’m definitely gonna let them shoot us. Sarge: Fire! *Clicking sounds* Donut: Uh, Sarge? Sarge: Yes Private Donut? Donut: Do these Rocket Launchers feel a little light to you? Sarge: Well I just assumed it was because I’m in peak physical condition. Grif: Oh God… you’ve got to fucking kidding me. Tucker: Holy shit! They don’t have any ammo. Church: God damn it… Simmons: Why would command send us rocket launchers with no rockets? Grif: Who is running this army!? Sarge: Alright men. Initiate Plan B! Let’s bludgeon them to death! Sheila: Bring it on, dead man. Sarge: Hee-Ya! Donut: Wait. Wait! Sarge, why go with Plan B? When we can go with Plan D! Simmons: What the hell is that? Plan Donut? Donut: Nope! The D Stands for dance! ♪ Groove Music begins playing ♪ Grif: Uh, what is happening right now? Church: I don’t know- I just know that I hate it. Sheila: Where is that music coming from? Donut: Come on everybody; let’s shake it out! Doc: Well alright, a peaceful resolution. Sheila: Set cannon to: Funk ♪ Groove Music continues ♪ Church: Tucker, what the hell are you doing? Tucker: I can’t help it, something’s taking over. Sheila: Oh yeah, move those treads. *Groove Music continues playing* Donut: Everybody do- do the Chupacabra! ♪ Groove Music continues playing ♪ Sheila: Groove thing initiated. ♪ Groove Music continues as the Reds and Blues dance ♪ Church: What the fuck is happening right now? ♪ Groove Music continues ♪ Donut: Do- do- do- do- do- do- do the Chupa! Do- do- do- do- ah- ah- do the Chupa Do the Chu- Do the Chu- Do the Chu… Sarge: Donut! Donut! Donut: Huh? Grif: What the hell was that? Donut: Uh, I was telling the story of Blood Gulch. Tucker: What kind of messed up world do you live in? Epsilon: I don’t know, I think he captured me pretty well. Simmons: Donut, none of that shit ever happened. Donut: Well, maybe not in YOUR version. I decided to spice things up. Add a little pizzazz The original version was so boring. All we ever did the just stand around and talk. Doyle: *clears throat* Um, yes, so, did you actually have song and dance numbers or… Donut: *sigh* Let’s take it from the top. All: NO! ♪ The same disco music ♪ Rooster Teeth Animation Outro Song

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