Oy if you live in Perth, then come to my live show bushfire fundraiser. All proceeds go to the pregnant sheila that had ScoMo force a handshake on her and the Irwin’s Wildlife Warriors charity. The link to get tickets is in the post description below. Let’s fuckin do it! [Music] It’s me again with some tips and tricks on how to nail a live music performance. OH! Spinny guitar RIGHT to the face. The singer is pretending it didn’t hurt, but I reckon that’s gonna leave a mark. It makes the show ten times better, though. The bass player bloody loves it. Get ready for another spinny guitar move. The drummer’s in danger! Nah, it’s all good. I think this guy’s bandmates had the bass guitar turned right down anyway, so no one is gonna miss hearing it. I don’t wanna brag, but… I do know how to shred a great guitar solo, this here is not a great guitar solo. [Bad guitar solo performance] The singer comes out and says “you’ve ruined my dreams!” The bass player is like “just quit, man!” It is frustrating when the weakest link in a band has no idea how shit they are, and refuses to quit. On tour is NOT the place to try new, experimental directions. Even if you’re Van Halen! [Bad performance] If your name is Lil’ Wayne, don’t play guitar at all. Put the guitar down. [Bad performance] I can’t tell if he’s concentrating or high as shit. Actually, definitely both. Don’t play a Jimmy Page style doubleneck guitar in a Storm Trooper helmet. DON’T DO IT! [Music] There’s a reason Stormtroopers have shitty aim. You cannot see a fucken thing in that imperial workwear. Stagediving! Here’s a few pro tips. Make sure you know WHERE the crowd is before ya do it. Once you’ve found the crowd, make sure they genuinely wanna catch you. Oh, don’t wear budgie smugglers. Yeah nah, it was at this moment Shane realised NO ONE wants to touch his balls. And off to the medical tent. Iggy is like “my dick is away. It won’t rub you. C’mon, catch me.” Nah, no one trusts him. His dick is never away. A trampoline is both an excellent idea and a horrible idea when stage diving. Just rehearse ya stunts before the show or you’ll end up with regrets like Steve Aioli. Stage diving is getting popular amongst rap musicians at the moment, which is handy, because everyone in the audience is filming on their phones, so if you fuck it up, you have plenty of angles to choose from when filling out your insurance forms. Always remember the show must go on even if ya spew, even if ya vomit ya guts out, even if ya hurl like a motherfucker, do not stop. You pretend it didn’t happen and you finish the song. “Oh yeah baby… AHHHH” that’s the last time anyone ever saw Travis. Oh no, there’s Drake, that’s handy. Bring your own Drake if you ever fall off stage. BYO Drake. If you’re security working at an Anthrax gig and a dickhead runs up, try not to tackle lead singer Joey Belladonna. He’s an important part of the band, and his mates get shitty when you do. (Band member: “I guess they haven’t seen him up here on stage for the last 90 minutes. he is in the BAND!” A Fan: “The fuckin arsehole.”). Take a tip from TOOL singer Maynard, if an overeager fan storms the stage, simply body slam him, mount him, and apply a choke hold. Then spend the rest of the set gently riding him while singing loudly at the back of his head. The fan will be cool with it. Soon he’ll sing along. Yeah! Boom! Situation deescalated. Cross out the security fee in ya budget. The fan leaves the stage confused, but happy. Yeah nah yeah, those are me tips to a successful live music performance! Rock out with your cock out, like Iggy Pop, unless you prefer your cock in your pants, which is understandable.