[Channel Awesome theme] [“The Review Must Go On”] Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to– Audience: Shh! NC: Sorry, I’m kinda in the middle of a wedding. Santa Christ: Mawwiage… is what brings us here today at Alabama Comic-Con. Audience: [Cheering] Santa Christ: And gun show. [Gunshots] We are here to join these two beloved, Devil Boner, and Hyper Fan– Where is she, anyway? Devil Boner: Oh, she wanted to wait for the video to start so she could walk down the aisle. OK, bone puncher! [Ethereal music] Benny: She looks beautiful. Devil Boner: Yeah, instead of walking down the aisle with her father, she chose to walk with that glowy effect. [Ethereal music continues] Santa Christ: Here to witness this union is Benny, Devil Boner’s best man… Devil Boner: Yeah, but not best shot, though. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [GLARE] Santa Christ: And Nostalgia Critic, Hyper Fangirl’s… Um… NC: I think the term we’re going with is “butler of honor”. Santa Christ: OK, cool, whatevs. The rings, please. Audience: [Blubbering] Santa Christ: Our dearly committed have decided to write their own vows. Devil Boner: I want you. Hyper Fangirl: I want you. Santa Christ: Then by the power invested in me, by me, I now pronounce you psycho husband and stalker wife. Hyper Fangirl: Eeeee! Santa Christ: You may now ki– Welp, that works, too. [Gunshots] Audience: [Cheering] Devil Boner: Hey, seeing how this is a convention and we’re already clearly liquored up, let’s just have the reception here! Santa Christ: Peppermint Schnapps for all! Audience: [Partying] Doe: A blessing on your head! Chester A. Bum: Mazel tov, mazel tov. Doe: So, how does it feel to officially be “Hyper Boner”? Hyper Fangirl: As excited as the name sounds. Chester A. Bum: Oh, that’s wonderful! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna see if the flowers are smokeable. Doe: I already did! THEY ARE! Chester A. Bum: Oh my God, this is the greatest day of my life! The Devil: I’ll admit, I didn’t think Hyper Boner was a good idea. But after seeing all the joy displayed, it’s clear that Hyper Boner is going to last a long time. Devil Boner: Ain’t it the truth? The Devil: Nice suit. Benny: Back at ya. Aunt Despair: Aw, doesn’t Hyper Boner look up? Hyper Fangirl: Incredibly up! Uncle Lies: Whenever anybody sees you, they’ll say, “You can’t keep Hyper Boner down.” Devil Boner: For years to come. Uncle Lies: Yeah, that’s about what we predicted. NC: You know, sometimes, a name can spark a lot of possibilities. There’s been so many films and shows that suggest that something is going to be amazing, just based on the title alone. Some of them work, some of them don’t, and then, there’s movies that thought of the name first and clearly wrote around it. You know where I’m going with this. Chipwrecked is the third in the questioning-humanity film series based on Alvin and the Chipmunks, and, if you can believe it, it’s not the last. By this point, it’s made clear that a bad pun is literally enough to throw millions of dollars into a film shoot, exploiting kids’ inability to say no to shit. It’s just as phoned-in and tired as you would think, but why generalize when we can go into more detail? Well, I can think of a lot of reasons, but if I’m allowed to leave a wedding early so I don’t have to listen to any more Hyper Boner jokes, I guess I can suffer for you. This is Chipwrecked. The film knows parents want to go home as quickly as possible, so it jumps right into it with barely an opening at all, which is fitting because this is barely a movie at all. [Chipmunks’ cover of “Vacation” by The Go-Go’s] No, Jason Lee, you can’t pack up and leave the franchise that easily. Alvin: Where have you been? Dave: Where have I been? Trying to board the ship. NC: It’s not easy looking older and sadder with every passing film. So they’re going on a family vacation and… Nope, that’s all the setup we get. We don’t even know where they’re sailing to. But I do know the next forced song in their bullshit soundtrack! [Chipmunks’ cover of “Trouble” by P!nk] Alvin: This is your captain speaking. NC: Huh, glad to know there’s great security on the ship microphone. High-pitched NC: Attention, attention, the moon landing was fake and Earth is flat! Yeah, bet you didn’t know you were rooting for THAT kind of character, did ya? Alvin: All kids are now allowed to play on the Adults-Only Serenity Deck. Chipmunked NC: But only the douchebag ones who exist in movies to make punchlines work. [“Trouble” cover continues] NC: Wow, gotta love how invested some of those families look. Was this Take 8 they’re pretending they’re excited about a table with nothing on it? No wonder they had to switch out these kids mid-edit. Dave: ALVIIIIIIN!! NC as Dave: There, I did the thing. Now let me contemplate my life’s mistakes. So Dave tries to set more rules for his rodent ruffians. Alvin: I’ll start acting like a grownup when you start– Chipettes: ♫ I whip my tail back and forth, I whip my tail back and forth, I whip my tail– ♫ NC: Not even 5 minutes in, and we’re on song 3. Why don’t you just implant the soundtrack into my brain like Dark City?! You know you would if you legally could! Brittany: This so so not fair! Not to us, and certainly not to the captain! NC: Why the hell are you wearing towels? You literally showed up in the films naked. You don’t even wear pants. I follow none of this! Simon: Where are you going?! Alvin: To the casino. Simon: Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Alvin: Dave said we’re old enough to make our own decisions. NC: You know, I’m starting to think this whole film exists just so everybody could go on a cruise. “What’re we shooting today?” “Um…the bed, the floor…” “Mmm, let some CG artists who want to work for Pixar do the rest.” “Casino time!” [“Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO] Shitty song 4, by the way. You will hate this soundtrack more than Frozen. Eleanor: AAH! Woman in blue: OW-uh! Eleanor: Sorry! Woman in Green: What’s she sorry for? Stepping on my friend’s foot? Or her busted, tired little dance moves? Crowd: OOOOOHHHH!! NC: Ah, one of those common occurrences where the entire casino goes quiet, and three grown women feel they have to show up squirrels. Have you ever casino-ed, yo? Those squirrels could be lighting fires, and nobody would look up from their hand! [Mashup/remix of “We No Speak Americano” by Yolanda B Cool and “Conga” by Miami Sound Machine] I feel like I’m watching a dance-off between Happy Meal toys and the Powerpuff Whores. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?! [Remix continues] We call that move the “I’m a Little Teapot Seizure”. Was there a glitch in the Matrix? Who choreographed that, one of the Rapsittie Street Kids? [Chipettes sing the last lines of “Conga”] [Applause] NC as one of the women: C’mon, we’ll do better in our dance-off against the Muppet Babies. Dave, meanwhile, has a talk with the ship’s mascot and ex-Five Nights at Freddy’s character, when he reveals himself to be a familiar face. [“Hallelujah Chorus” by George Frideric Handel] Oh, thank God! I don’t care that you called filming this the most unpleasant experience of your career. That just means you understand the pain I’m sitting through! Dave: What’re you doing here? Ian Hawke: I’m working, Dave. NC: It’s the same conversation a David Cross fan has when he sees him in one of these films. Dave: What’re you doing here? Ian Hawke: I’m working. Not too many record labels are interested in hiring the guy who… blew it with the Chipmunks, blew it with the Chipettes, and passed on Justin Bieber. NC: To be fair, it IS hard to tell the difference between the Chipmunks and Justin Bieber. Bieber’s a little shorter. Ian Hawke: I’ll be watching you. LIKE A HAWK! NC: Oh, David Cross, you’re like Jesus giving Ben-Hur water. You don’t fix everything, but I’m glad you’re here. Dave sees they left Theodore alone to watch… Cookie Monster’s Meth Meltdown as he notices everyone has vanished. Dave: Alvin? Simon? Girls? NC as Dave: I forgot your names like the rest of the audience, so I just call you Girl Alvin, Girl Simon, and Girl Theodore. NC: He finds them in the casino and warns them that if they don’t behave, he won’t take them to win their possible International Music Award. I can tell you’re just as concerned about that as I am. Dave: You’re all lucky Captain Corelli’s allowed you one more activity. Shuffleboard. NC: Yeah, by now, Jason Lee is realizing this isn’t gonna be as easy as the last film, where he literally slept through his performance. This time, he’s gotta suffer with the rest of u– Dave: [Snoring] NC: HEY, HEY, WAKE UP, YOU CHEATER! Alvin: Time to turn punishment… into “funishment”! Heh! You get it? I took the “pun” in “punishment”, and turned it into “fun”, but kept the “-ishment”! It’s wordplay! NC: It’s at times like this I wish this was the boat from Speed 2, so Willem Dafoe could grab them and throw them into the ocean. I can dream, but I always have to wake up in a world where this exists. Alvin goes parasailing on a kite, and, of course, gets caught in the wind, as well as Dave’s chair. Alvin: This won’t end well. NC: The original tagline for the film. Dave: [Still snoring] NC as Dave: It’s okay. This happens a lot. I’m actually a terrible parent. Call DCFS! Dave: AAAAHHHH!! NC: David Cross gets forcibly roped in– again, a fitting metaphor– as they fall into the water, far away from where the Chipmunks fell into the water. Theodore: Just one bite. Simon: No! Theodore: A nibble? Simon: No nibbles! Theodore: Maybe I can just lick the glaze. NC: Your ass is on it. Show some dignity! Meanwhile, Jason Lee and David Cross are… clearly not in the same water they were a second ago… as they discover an island that the Chipmunks discover as well. The Chipmunks build a fire, and– Alvin: ♫ Kumbaya, my Lord… Kumbaya! ♫ NC: Yeah, we’re a minute short of theatrical runtime. Go ahead. [The rest of the Chipmunks and the Chipettes join in on singing “Kumbaya”] NC: It’s funny, because we hate everything now. [“Kumbaya” concludes] [“The Review Must Go On”] So Lee and Cross make it to the island, and, as you imagine, they don’t get along. Cross repeats what he told the producers of this film every day. Ian: I’m not one of your chipmunks that you can just boss around and stuff into a cage whenever you feel like it. NC: Meanwhile, the Chipmunks make sure their auto-tuning still works. [Chipmunks and Chipettes’ cover of “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child] Weird theory: What if they’re the deformed time-travelling rabbits from Lost, and they’re just trying to make their way back home? It’s a weak theory, I know, but I’d much rather work on that than work on watching this! Brittany: It’s bark. Alvin: Yeah! For breakfast! Theodore: [Sigh] It’s been forever since our last all-you-can-eat buffet. Simon: Crazy suggestion, guys! NC as Simon: We eat Theodore. You know he’ll eat us if we don’t eat him first! NC: They find a little bit of food in the jungle, and everybody chases after it. [Chipmunks’ cover of “Real Wild Child” by Iggy Pop] Eleanor: My precious! My precious! NC: Oh, look, Gollum says that! It’s funny because Gollum says that! He says that! But they come across an unexpected individual: A woman named Zoe, played by Jenny Slate. Theodore: Don’t eat us, Mr. Jungle Monster! Zoe: I’m not a monster, I’m Zoe, and I’m– I’m clearly a girl. NC as Zoe: I was on my way to be funny on Bob’s Burgers, but I guess I can stop and be unfunny here. Alvin: Alvin and the Chipmunks? Zoe: Who and what, now? Brittany: I’m sure you’ve heard of the Chipettes. Zoe: WHO?? Brittany: ♫ Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah… ♫ [The rest of the Chipmunks and Chipettes join in on singing “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga] NC as Zoe: Whatever. You’re a food source. Kindly get on the fire. NC: So it looks like she’s trapped on the island, too. For how long, you might ask? A week? Week and a half? Maybe she also fell from the cruise ship– Zoe: Eight or nine… um, years. Simon: Nine years?! NC: You know, what was I expecting?? Logic? Joy? Charm out of a Chipmunk movie? Of COURSE she’s been there for nine years!! Why else would her skin barely be dirty, her hair permed, her clothes spotless, and she’s crazy enough to talk to sports balls like Cast Away, yet smart enough to make a house even George of the Jungle would call bullshit on?! Did I expect more? No. Did I get less? Somehow! Simon is bit by a spider and starts to go through a strange transformation in his sleep. Simon: [Muttering in his sleep] NC: Knowing this movie, he’ll probably wake up like this: Aunt May: Are you alright? Simon Parker: I’m fine. NC: Actually, believe it or not, the real change he goes through is… even stranger. He wakes up as a Rambo-type adventurer who is also a smooth romantic and has a French accent. “Simone”: Bonjour, my friend. Would you care to join me on my adventure? The adventure….. called “LIFE”!! NC: ……I don’t get it. What the hell is this referencing, hinting at, or….. anything? He’s like this through a good chunk of the movie, like we’re supposed to understand what this is satirizing. And, I’ll just be honest, I have no idea what’s supposed to be funny about it. I-It’s like someone went to a random word generator and was like: “I’m literally gonna let you write Simon’s character. Just give me three random words.” [Tap] “Rambo”. “French”. “Horny”. “Okay, those last two are the same thing, but it’s Chipwrecked. What do I care?” As you’d imagine, the girls, particularly Jeanette, find Simon’s new personality irresistible. Jeanette: What are you doing? “Simone”: What I’ve wanted to do since the moment I laid my eyes all over on you. NC as “Simone”: Deflower you. Unseen audience: [Boos] No good? I got it from this Weinstein guy’s pick-up book. [Booing continues] NC: After dancing the hormones away, they come across a beautiful waterfall. Theodore: Whoa! Double rainbow! What does it mean?! NC: It means that joke will really be dated as soon as it’s used in a Chipmunk movie. Simon dives into the water and discovers a room full of gold. But he’s down there for so long that everyone starts to worry about him. Jeanette: Where are you?! [Triumphant orchestral music] NC: Ah, tension averted. Continue with your tedium. “Simone”: Maybe this will be a way to make it up. Zoe: Were there any other jewels, or gems, or– “Simone”: I had already been gone from my Jeanette… far too long. Theodore: Awwwwww! What? NC: No. What? I think he was asking what the joke for that scene was. Did anybody catch it? “Simone”: Maybe this will– NC: No, don’t rewind it. I’m fine leaving it a mystery. Meanwhile, Jason Lee and David Cross continue to wander through the jungle, and… Wait. Let me guess: He’s trying to prove how much he loves his kids, and his kids are trying to learn responsibility. Dave: I really messed– NC: You don’t need to show me a clip! That’s always it!! It’s the only thing guaranteed in these movies, outside of out-of-nowhere shitty subplots!– Zoe They found it! The rest of the treasure… is mine! All mine!! [Maniacally evil laughter] NC: So Zoe’s a villain now, hmm? I’ve had… bigger twists with my lemon in my Rum and Coke… with no lemon, but hell, let’s just go with it. When Zoe finds she can’t reach the gold room herself, she decides to kidnap one of the Chipmunks to help her. Jeanette: Oh, no! [Tense orchestral music] [Panting] OOOOOOOHHHHH!! [Shrill dramatic sting] NC: Okay, even for this movie, that was really weird! I didn’t think there was a way to make an evil basketball version of My Neighbor Totoro. Surprisingly, it hadn’t crossed my mind that much, but you accomplished it, movie! Here’s your trophy! The Chipmunks find Lee and Cross and build a raft together to get off the island, but… Oh, NO!! Not only do they realize Jeanette is missing, but a volcano is about to blow! And the Professor made a lie detector out of coconuts! I think this is one of those situations where, even if you fix it, it doesn’t fix it. On top of that, Simon is hit on the head with a golf ball, snapping him out of his delusion. The… movie seems to have forgotten it was a SPIDER BITE that caused him to act strange, and not a bump on the head, but… The credits are so close. Let’s not slow things down. Alvin: I’m coming with you. Dave: Absolutely not. It’s too dangerous. Alvin: Remember I said someday I may need to disobey you? Sorry, Dave. But I gotta disobey you. NC: Ummm, you disobey him all the time. Absolutely nothing is being learned from this. Honestly, OBEYING him would be the strange thing! $342,000,000-grossing movie! [That’s the worldwide total. In the US, it grossed $133 million, which is still depressingly high] Zoe forces Jeanette to get the gold, as Jeanette reminds us that, even as jukebox musicals go, this one’s still especially bad. Jeanette: [“SOS” by Rihanna] ♫ S.O.S., please. Someone help me… ♫ NC: Oh, isn’t there anyone to hear my other person’s singing sped up to sound like my voice? The others come across Zoe, though, as they try to rescue Jeanette. [Dramatic orchestral music] Dave: AAAAAAAALLLLLLLVVVIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!! NC as Dave: Take this knife that magically changes size in midair! [Chop] [Rope whizzing by] Dave: [Yelling in peril] No! Ian: It’s tempting to blame Dave. I know. NC as Ian: You know, why don’t the three of us sit down for a minute, and REALLY think about what our agents did to us. Like… really mull it over. NC: [Sigh] At the very least, we have David Cross’ cynicism to get us through all this sappiness… Ian: I’ve been there. I wish I could get back all those years I spent plotting my revenge. NC: No. No– DON’T YOU RUIN CROSS, MOVIE!! Ian: Hate, anger, regret. They’re what consumed me. And they’re consuming you. NC: DON’T YOU RUIN HIM, MOVIE! DON’T YOU RU– He was the ONLY FUNNY THING IN ANY OF THESE!!! Ian: I-It’s not too late to do the right thing. NC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DAVID CROOOOOSS!!! Obi-Wan Kenobi: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!! You were my brother! I loved you! Ian: Or not. Again….. I’m good either way, so….. I don’t wanna sway you. NC: Okay, that was funny! That was fu– I’m willing to put up with that! You are a Cross I’m willing to bear! They escape the last-minute color correction and… that scathing smoke, somehow, as they all sit down to think about what they’ve been through. Zoe: Jeanette… I– I don’t know what to say. I’m really sorry. Jeanette: Well, apology accepted. NC: Okay, people are WAY too forgiving of attempted murder in these films. Can’t there be like a… [Slap] …something? Alvin: Umm, Dave? Dave: Yes, Alvin? Alvin: I just wanted to say… NC as Alvin: Life lesson you were trying to teach me learned. NC as Dave: Parallel life lesson you were trying to teach me learned. NC as either Brittany or Eleanor: Look! Cop-out plot device wrapping up things too well! [Yelling] Ian: It’s me, Ian Hawke! Jett Records! NC as pilot: [Inhale] Pass. Keep flyin’! NC: They, of course, make it in time for the Music Awards… We never actually figure out if they win anything. I’m just assuming no, just get Cross as your agent… and the credits mercifully roll. So that was Chipwrecked. It was tough to get through, and when you really think ab– Wait-wait-wait, we’re still going?! We’re still going?!?! Stewardess played by Phyllis Smith: I’m sorry, sir. We’re gonna have to gate-check those. Dave: Are you gonna charge me 25 bucks a bag? NC: Bullshit, man! WE HAD A DEAL! You roll the credits, we get to go!! What the hell is left to show, the Chipmunks eating shawarma?! Stewardess: Sir, please return to your seat. We’re about to take off. Dave: But he– Stewardess: Sit! NC as Stewardess Phyllis Smith: As an actress from an actual good CGI film, I hold superiority. Dave: No-no-NO! [CRASH!] NC as Dave: That almost killed my stuntman! Dave: AAAAAAAAALLLLLVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!! NC as Alvin: [Screaming while freefalling from the plane] NC: And THAT, finally, is Chipwrecked. And I have to give them credit: It lived up to what it promised. It felt like I was watching people thrown off a ship and slowly die. It’s such a rushed cash-in that’s not even disguising how much of a rushed cash-in it is. It has nothing for adults, what it has for kids, you could get off of a children’s screensaver, it’s totally devoid of charm! That is, again, for David Cross. Yeah, I have to give credit: I always enjoy seeing him in these films. Despite him clearly being above this material, he is the only one who can get a smile out of me with some of these awful lines. Aside from that, though, it’s best to leave this piece of driftwood washed up on shore. And it just goes to show: you can’t really turn out anything of value when your base is nothing but a bad pun. Devil Boner: Thank you, thank you. I can see Hyper Boner lasting a long time, too. Hyper Fangirl: I’m really having second thoughts about this “Hyper Boner” thing. Devil Boner: Big time, yeah. Hyper Fangirl: I love your name, but I just don’t think that it works for me. Devil: Boner: Yeah… Wait a minute… What if yours wasn’t the last name that changed? Hyper Fangirl: What are you saying, Honeybottoms? Devil Boner: I’m saying… that from this day on… I SHALL BE KNOWN AS… Devil Fangirl. Hyper Fangirl: Don’t do that. Devil Boner: Oh, thank God. You know, I really didn’t want to. Uh, I was just gonna do it to make you happy. Hyper Fangirl: Let’s just keep our last names. Devil Boner: Whatever keeps you just the way you are is fine by me. Hyper Fangirl: Come on! Let’s consummate our marriage the way that most newlyweds do! Devil Boner: You mean by passing out because this sucked the life out of us?! Hyper Fangirl: Yuh-uh!
Devil Boner: YOU GOT IT!! [Thud!] Hyper Fangirl: Is your ring on the wrong finger? Devil Boner: I’m too tired to notice. [“The Review Must Go On”] Ian: Hate, anger, regret. Those aren’t just members of a girl group I once signed.